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Don't you hate it when people post obnoxious text at the top of their blog and you have to scroll past it every time you want to read what they've posted? Man, I really hate that.
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The Manwich (essential that all Men of OWF read this)

Posted 03-08-2009 at 04:00 PM by Splat
Updated 07-05-2011 at 04:12 PM by Splat
The Manwich is a vital part of male culture, representing manliness in its truest form. During my recent perusal of Oddworld forums, I have discovered that there was some terrible misinformation as to the nature and properties of the Manwich, including the falicious and downright dangerous belief that this is an accurate representation of the Manwich.
I have therefore taken upon myself the task of correcting certain mistaken points of view and demonstrating to the men of OWF the true nature of the Manwich.

First and foremost, a Manwich must be something you would actually want to eat, so the previously pictured cannedwich can be discounted from all further discussion.

The key components of the Manwich are:
Something at least 20% fat or grease (such as fried meat or cheese).
Some sauce invented before disco (so ranch dressing does not count thank you very much. In fact, anything with the word 'dressing' in it should be avoided at all cost).
Something that no one else at the table is eating.
Protein is generally advisable in large amounts.

Following are a few recipes for notable Manwiches.
The Fried Manwich
The original caveman Manwich
1) Find a pack of sausages in your fridge.
2) Fry four to five of them (to avoid potential embarrasment, follow the cooking instructions on the packaging if you are able to do so without people noticing).
3) Place between two slices of buttered white bread (don't be tempted to acccept less than the best: down with brown! (BREAD! Not presidents. Oh gosh, the CIA are gonna kill me).
4) Add tomato ketchup/brown sauce/mayonnaise or an alternative to your taste. Remember the sauce is a vital part of the Manwich.
For an Extreme Fried Manwich, add a fried egg or three between steps 3 and 4.
If you are Jewish, sausages can be substituted with bacon.

(...fine, steak).
In fact, just add bacon and steak. Especially if you're Jewish.

The 'Healthy' Manwich
Good for impressing girls
1) Locate processed ham, real grated cheese (none of that plastic cheese, that stuff's recycled), lettuce, tomato and cucumber.
2) Place on a buttered burger bun in the order listed above.
3) Add mayonnaise or similar (don't be tempted by salad dressing, however. Again with the unmanly 'D' word.)
5) Add the upper part of the burger bun and, using the palm of your hand, squash the reuslt (partly to show manliness and also because if you've done this right, you won't be able to fit it in otherwise. Basically if its not attracting small objects into its gravitational field, you need to add more layers. This ensures an adequate level of manliness despite the presence of so much plantlife).
One of those long, crusty rolls can be used instead of a bun. Basically the longer the better without getting silly. If using this variant, ensure you avoid phallic analogies, which can totally ruin the reputation of any Manwich.

The Dessert Manwich
1) Butter two crumpets, or a bagel, or an English muffin (DO NOT confuse this with an American muffin, which is something totally different. Dury Lane is in York, not New York.)
2) Add a large lump (not a dollop and definately not a scoop) of Ben & Jerry's Ice-Creamô.
3) Add some many chocolate such as Yorkie Barô, Mars Barô or Creme Eggsô.
4) Avoid the following at all costs:
- Sprinkles
- Chocolate Sprinkles
- Whipped cream
- Fresh strawberries
These will detract from the manliness of the Manwich.
5) Add any of the following to taste:
- Peanut Butter
- Nutellaô
- Some sort of purple jam or preserve
- Mayonnaise
- Etc.
Experiment with your ice-cream flavours and toppings.

The Indiana Manwich
Manliness personified.
1) Locate a fridge (preferably your own, to avoid legal action).
2) Open the fridge.
3) Raid the fridge for basically anything that can be placed between two slices of bread, including:
- Leftover roast meat
- Leftover Chinese takeaway
- Leftover Indian takeaway
- Any form of meat product
- Lettuce
- Liberal quantities of cheese
- Etc.
4) Locate bread or bread-like products such as bagels, naan bread, pita bread or cowhide.
5) Check all of your spoils for the growth of blue or green lifeforms, which can be a problem in a man-fridge. Any incredients with the aforementioned growths should be carefully trimmed to remove such inconveniences.
6) Using your prizes, construct a Manwich so mighty that women will be unable to come within a metre radius of it, and mermaids will be powerless against it (it is ALWAYS advisable to carry protection against mermaids).
7) Add mayonnaise.
8) Oh ho ho ho yes!
Anything and everything.

With mayonnaise.

It is my sincere hope that all readers of this article will be henseforth protected from the dangers of a lack of knowledge concerning the Manwich and will no longer attempt to seek solace in the disgraceful cannedwich.

I'm Splat.

This message brought to you by Heinz Mayonnaiseô
Posted in Everything
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Total Comments 36


Wil's Avatar
You are talking to a bunch of girly fags, two of whom are vegetarian, and one of those is vegan.

Donít make me do to you what my sig says.
Posted 03-08-2009 at 04:07 PM by Wil Wil is offline

Splat's Avatar
I know. This is mainly to show you all what you're missing.
Posted 03-08-2009 at 04:08 PM by Splat Splat is offline

Wil's Avatar
You omnivores have very strange ideas of what we might have pangs for.
Posted 03-08-2009 at 04:10 PM by Wil Wil is offline

Splat's Avatar

Blackhole sandwiches?


Man, I could never live as a vegan.
Respect to you.
Posted 03-08-2009 at 04:12 PM by Splat Splat is offline
Updated 03-08-2009 at 04:14 PM by Splat

Wil's Avatar
Ewww, no; never heard of it; and not really, although I can understand that one. Although my vegan housemate genuinely canít understand why anyone would miss bacon.

But heís weird.

p.s. Thank you. I hear that a lot, and my immediate thought is always Ďhave you ever tried it just for a while?í. Might be worth experiencing.

Incidentally, what have you given up for Lent?
Posted 03-08-2009 at 04:14 PM by Wil Wil is offline

Fuzzle Guy's Avatar
I'm just glad I'm a woman!
Posted 03-08-2009 at 04:16 PM by Fuzzle Guy Fuzzle Guy is offline

Pilot's Avatar
Good lord, I drop a couple of manwich references, then turn my back for about 25 minutes and LOOK.

I'm a MAN.

I like MEAT.

Believe me, I know what fags have a PANG for and it ain't no Sloppy Joe Sauce.

Oh wait it is.

GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!llly fag!!!! Hahahahaa!!!!

What's next? Campbell's CHUNKY?

Posted 03-08-2009 at 04:23 PM by Pilot Pilot is offline

Wil's Avatar
Dear god. Remind me never to need my TV, computer or car fixed in Nevada. Just to play it safe.
Posted 03-08-2009 at 04:29 PM by Wil Wil is offline

Splat's Avatar
Can't remember what NFL is (being an ignorant British Peasant) but... official soup? Good grief.
Posted 03-08-2009 at 04:41 PM by Splat Splat is offline

Wil's Avatar
That would be American Soccer.

Are you still in Sheffield?
Posted 03-08-2009 at 04:42 PM by Wil Wil is offline

Pilot's Avatar
National Football League. Gridiron. Buff men in tights. You get the picture.
Posted 03-08-2009 at 04:47 PM by Pilot Pilot is offline

Splat's Avatar
Are you still in Sheffield?
Yes. Yes I am.

Blargh, why am I still awake? I have to be up at seven (it's 10 past 1). Working nearly 24 hours a day until Wednesday as well.
Looking after small children day and night so teachers and parents can have a holiday; voluntary work rocks...
Posted 03-08-2009 at 05:08 PM by Splat Splat is offline
Updated 03-08-2009 at 05:13 PM by Splat

Wil's Avatar
Marvellous. We really should do a meet-up thing. It will be so magically awkward!
Posted 03-08-2009 at 05:12 PM by Wil Wil is offline

Splat's Avatar
Argh, now I have to do a blog about the awkward turtle.
Posted 03-08-2009 at 05:14 PM by Splat Splat is offline

Wil's Avatar
Thatís the worst ĎO.K., cool, letís do that!í Iíve ever heard.

This turtle doesnít get minced into a canned meat product that Justin would find amusing, does it? Because I donít think my heart could take two knocks in a row like that.
Posted 03-08-2009 at 05:17 PM by Wil Wil is offline

Splat's Avatar
I shall reveal all in a day or two; now I really need to sleep.

As for your proposition, it would be very cool if ever I find the courage. I'm no cooler in real life than I am online (possibly less-so).
Also, one of us has to be the serial killer and I'm worried it'll turn out to be me. (That's basically all I learnt in Social Education, that and some lies about condoms.)
Posted 03-08-2009 at 05:25 PM by Splat Splat is offline

I'd love to get a taste of Pilot's Meat Nutz.
Posted 03-08-2009 at 06:09 PM by Nemo Nemo is offline

Pilot's Avatar
Come on Splat, meet the mug if he wants to meet. Surprisingly, not everyone on the internet is a rapist or serial killer.

I'm in the middle of nowhere so I find the prospect actually meeting *anyone* exciting.

I'd love to get a taste of Pilot's Meat Nutz.
Oh.... oh my. I grudgingly indulge you then.

*secret smile*
Posted 03-08-2009 at 06:11 PM by Pilot Pilot is offline

Havoc's Avatar
How come Britain hasn't turned into America with diets like this?!
Posted 03-09-2009 at 01:17 AM by Havoc Havoc is offline

Wil's Avatar
Donít worry, Splat. Maybe Iíll turn out to be the serial killer.

Pilot you dafto, you started the tradition of OddTour.
Posted 03-09-2009 at 03:10 AM by Wil Wil is offline

How come Britain hasn't turned into America with diets like this?!
Because America actually isn't as bad as most people think?
Posted 03-09-2009 at 06:00 AM by Nemo Nemo is offline

Bullet Magnet's Avatar
Originally Posted by Havoc
How come Britain hasn't turned into America with diets like this?!
Actually, the people who do have diets like this have, collectively, turned into America.
Posted 03-09-2009 at 06:13 AM by Bullet Magnet Bullet Magnet is offline

Wings of Fire's Avatar
AKA The Scottish.
Posted 03-09-2009 at 06:32 AM by Wings of Fire Wings of Fire is offline

Wil's Avatar
One deep-fried everything, please. With gravy.
Posted 03-09-2009 at 06:33 AM by Wil Wil is offline

Wings of Fire's Avatar
My diet of microwave meals and pot noodles is probably more healthy than 90% of Glaswegians...
Posted 03-09-2009 at 06:36 AM by Wings of Fire Wings of Fire is offline

Bullet Magnet's Avatar
Various fears about diabetes and other illnesses when I'm older, and it's effect on my behaviour and moods have forced me to rethink a lot of what I eat. Which is problematic, since I don't eat very much as it is.
Posted 03-09-2009 at 08:06 AM by Bullet Magnet Bullet Magnet is offline

Mac Sirloin's Avatar
Posted 03-09-2009 at 09:09 AM by Mac Sirloin Mac Sirloin is offline

Wil's Avatar
I never saw you as a man with a sweet tooth, Marcus.
Posted 03-09-2009 at 11:39 AM by Wil Wil is offline

Pilot's Avatar
Wil I said that everyone on the internet was NOT necessarily a serial killer or rapist.

Having said that, anything can be deep fried to perfection. I HATED fish until I had REAL fish and chips in England.

Now... I can't seem to help myself... More frybatter! More malt vinegar!

*foams at mouth* Mwueheheeheeheeehehehe!!!
Posted 03-09-2009 at 04:26 PM by Pilot Pilot is offline

Wil's Avatar
Anything that causes increased human consumption of dwindling stocks can only be a bad thing.

Plus, as far as Iím aware, no vegan thing has ever been deep fried. And if itís of no benefit to me, itís more efficient for it not to exist.

Thatís right: it turns out the fancies of individuals really can determine the nature of reality.
Posted 03-09-2009 at 04:34 PM by Wil Wil is offline


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