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ZOMBIELAND FUCKING SUCKS.

Posted 10-07-2009 at 08:58 AM by Disgruntled Intern
Seriously, the movie was so bad I wanted to walk out. Sadly I was past the point of getting my money back, so I braved the cliche-storm. I should have left, money back or not.

First things first: Fuck Jesse Eisenberg, and fuck that melon-headed uggo Emma Stone. Why? Jesse is another Michael Cera. Except uglier. Call me old fashioned, but the whole mumbling-mono toned-socially awkward-skinny-nerd thing just does absolutely nothing for me. Cera and Eisenberg CAN'T FUCKING ACT. Now, I realize that it's a zombie movie, and hey, we're in it for the cheap thrills/scares, gore, and good kills, right?

WRONG. Because there are none of the above in this movie. The gore is minimal, the scares are non existent, and the good kills are just plain no where to be found. Which is sad, considering that this is a movie that boasts a 'zombie kill of the week' IN THE FUCKING TRAILER.

Best part about the movie? Bill Murray. Although he's not even funny, and the appearance of Mr.Murray signifies the start of the thirty five zombie free minutes of the latter half of the movie.

That's right. A ZOMBIE movie that's lacking zombies. For more than a few minutes. Why? Because Melon-Head Emma Stone gets drunk on wine and tries to seduce Eisenberg. But then doesn't. Because IT'S A FUCKING ZOMBIE MOVIE AND WE DON'T CARE ABOUT A GOD DAMNED EMOTIONAL ARC.

I realize that movies need substance. A plot. Something for us to relate to. Shaun of the Dead did it with the Shaun/Liz sub plot. Dawn of the Dead [both the original AND remake] did it equally well.

UNFORTUNATELY, THE FUCKS WHO WROTE THIS FLICK FAILED. THEY FAILED HARD. IS IT A COMING OF AGE TEEN ROMANCE MOVIE? IT MUST BE. OH NO WAIT THERE'S SOME FUCKING ZOMBIES. NOW I'M CONFUSED.

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Total Comments 14

Comments

Old
Pilot's Avatar
Oh.
Posted 10-07-2009 at 08:59 AM by Pilot Pilot is offline

Old
i wont be seeing that shit anytime soon then.

and my favourite zombie film is Day Of The Dead, the original.
Posted 10-07-2009 at 09:25 AM by MA MA is offline

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Mac Sirloin's Avatar
This is the first role I've seen Eisenburg in. I thought he did an okay job. I've certainly seen worse.

However, when I found out the role was in fact originally offered to Cera, I got pissed. I cannot stand Micheal Cera. I liked him in Arrested Development and I liked him in Superbad, but he hasn't done anything good since/ in between.

Emma Stone and the girl who played her sister were obnoxious and poorly written.

Woody Harrelson was still good.
Posted 10-07-2009 at 10:17 AM by Mac Sirloin Mac Sirloin is offline

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Disgruntled Intern's Avatar
Harrelson couldn't be bad if he tried. Emma Stone can't act either. She falls into the Cera/Eisenburg category, as she's typecast as the SAME FUCKING CUNT in every god damned movie.

Her younger sister bothered me, mostly because I thought she was the cutest kid of all time in Little Miss Sunshine.
Posted 10-07-2009 at 11:34 AM by Disgruntled Intern Disgruntled Intern is offline

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AlexFili's Avatar
Mixed reviews so far then...
Posted 10-07-2009 at 02:19 PM by AlexFili AlexFili is offline

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Mac Sirloin's Avatar
Jesus Christ DI what the fuck is with your avatar.
Posted 10-07-2009 at 02:21 PM by Mac Sirloin Mac Sirloin is offline

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Nate's Avatar
Bugger Zombieland and read this instead: http://www.doublefine.com/news.php/c...currentComic=1
Posted 10-07-2009 at 04:32 PM by Nate Nate is offline

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Anonyman!'s Avatar
Why would you even watch it?
Posted 10-07-2009 at 07:01 PM by Anonyman! Anonyman! is offline

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Leto's Avatar
i read the title and thought it was a kastere blog

i haven't cared to see it, nor do i think i ever will
Posted 10-07-2009 at 07:45 PM by Leto Leto is offline

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Disgruntled Intern's Avatar
Well shame on me for hoping a zombie movie starring WOODY FUCKING HARRELSON would be decent. What a horrible person I am. Fuck you guys. Get out of my blog.

EDIT:

Nate, thank you.

Kastere, believe it or not, my new avatar is from a popup. And not one meant to be scary, either.
Posted 10-07-2009 at 08:56 PM by Disgruntled Intern Disgruntled Intern is offline
Updated 10-07-2009 at 09:02 PM by Disgruntled Intern

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AlexFili's Avatar
The horror/comedy genre... any hope for the future?
Posted 10-08-2009 at 12:02 AM by AlexFili AlexFili is offline

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Mac Sirloin's Avatar
Horror/Comedy can be absolutely fantastic.

Also I thought I explained that I liked it but the crowd was just shitty?
Posted 10-08-2009 at 03:13 PM by Mac Sirloin Mac Sirloin is offline

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STM's Avatar
28 days/weeks l8r and of course dawn of the dead.

I liked ZL it was funny but because my mate kept talking through it annoying people infront, when they told him to be quiet he talks over them and then tells em to F off, thats fun
Posted 11-20-2009 at 10:47 AM by STM STM is offline

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SlamDance_Karma's Avatar
TC: How this movie has gotten so many rave reviews (amazon) utterly beggars comprehension. Are people that desperate for entertainment? Evidently so. Ask me, the movie was more like an after school special (love/horror) in October. It was stupid and pointless.

A never-ending quest for Twinkies? Are you fucking KIDDING me? And WHY, exactly, would Twinkies be so hard to find during a zombie epedemic? (wait....WHAT zombies...?) What, when the zombie outbreak first occurred there was a world-wide run on Twinkies? Were they necessary survival gear or something? Zombies supposedly outnumber human beings by...I'm guessing, 400,000-1, and no grocery stores/convenience stores/retailers/bakeries have them? Moronic. No, it's beyond moronic, it's SUB-moronic.
Posted 03-11-2010 at 05:55 AM by SlamDance_Karma SlamDance_Karma is offline

 

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