God sake, i'm a stupid twat
i've just exploded at my stepfather. you know i'm not one to complain about my parents and the like. the last time i did that was ages ago to do with lending them money i hadn't got, but that wasn't their fault anyway. that was my own.
i've been away from them and i know what its like to try and keep on top of bills, general maintenance, whilst fucking working. but i have never seen eye to eye with my stepfather. ever, in fact. there's been many instances where we've conflicted, the difference being i cannot hold my temper and he will not back down.
we both have terrible flaws, so don't think i'm nitpicking faults with him when i say he is incredibly argumentative. i've never understood it. even when i was a child, i'd be making an innocent statement about something around us, and i would get a load of pushy questions in return. i would reply not knowing what i was getting myself into and then the shit would hit the fan.
i work stupidly unsociable hours, and by that i mean mainly nights, but occasionally days. pretty stupid but its all there is, and so i only see him once he's already back from work. we're all entitled to be grumpy after work, and i'm not a child; i'm not in his face constantly. to be quite honest due to everything that's happened previous i could go weeks without saying a word to him, and i'm pretty damn sure he could too.
whatever, this all sounds very stupid. point is, i'd be lucky to get a reply in 3 days. a simple hello would suffice, and its always me who has to say it. never the other way around. i've done it before where i haven't said a word, and its just silence. fuck sake.
well the whole point of this is because i feel so fucking guilty for almost snapping with him. i don't even answer him back, or my mother. i'm very old fashioned that way. you shouldn't answer parents back; if you have something to say, you say it loud and clear. not behind their back or in little sarky remarks.
just things getting on top of me, hopefully. i've got upcoming debts to be paid too, on something i have not actually paid for yet, and it'll be a miracle if i manage to pull off a weekly payment system. i have the time, just not the fucking wages. then there's the bit where i'm trying to work out the bills in question, and that shite i got in my maths exams comes bounding back up to me, making my head go all fuzzy.
the house is falling apart. the bathroom sink cannot be filled because there's a chunk missing from the inside, and its been like that for the last 5 years at least, the windows in my bedroom are ready to fall out due to wood rot, damp is getting through the walls and ceilings of different rooms, the doors are smashed to shit and we haven't had the money or incentive to replace them for over 15 fucking years, the dogs ripped up the carpet by my door this afternoon and i've lost my nails to nail it back down, the lock on the back door to the house is failing and the bloody mechanism keeps threatening to fall out, you can't fill the bath too high due to a hole in the living room ceiling where water loves to drip out of via shit bathroom sealant. i didn't even have to think for that list. they're prominent, and council enjoy doing nothing and telling people they're doing something. we're trying to sort these problems ourselves but its never ending. i got rid of all the damp myself not long back, but its just bounced right back.
so i probably took this out on him which i shouldn't have done and i feel fucking ashamed about it. its just the little things, common courtesy that i would like to get from him, but it aint happening. have i done something to greatly offend him or what? i was 9 when he first waltzed in and you know what? he treated me like shit. i've held that fact in for god knows how long but he's just being purposely uncivil. i can take shit and i can take his bloody shit but not when its unwarranted and lasts for coming up to a decade. christ sake, MAN.
dear me, i seem to be always moaning about this sort of stuff. it'd be nice to make a blog every once and a while about the dogs antics, or my little cousin, or some daft incident i saw which made me laugh. sorry about this frankly boring shit, i just need to somehow get it out otherwise its going to build up again.
