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One of those things I probably shouldn't be sharing

Posted 01-03-2013 at 11:16 AM by Sekto Springs
Updated 01-03-2013 at 11:18 AM by Sekto Springs
So my serious blogs never really do too well on here (though arguably nobody's do), but I'm compelled to keep writing them. Not sure why. I guess just to ease some of the pressure on my buckling mental sluices, or maybe I secretly hope one of you buttholes will say something profound that rights all my wrongs. Either way, here it is.

My mom is miserable. Every day is a struggle for her and she frequently tells me that she does not want to live anymore.

These days the world is full of retards that kvetch and gripe about their white people problems and drop weighty phrases like "kill myself" with all the care of a drunken baboon. She really means it though, because her life has been genuinely awful, and shows no signs of getting any better.

Without going into excruciating detail about her personal life, my mother has been the victim of rape, parental abuse, a messy divorce from my dad, a slew of deadbeat boyfriends (not the slap-her-around kind, more like the passive aggressive, selfish kind), medical malpractice, a career she despises and resents, and good ol' fashioned poverty. As icing on the cake, she also has hereditary clinical depression, chronic migraines, and chronic pain syndrome.

I live with her at the moment. Before you accuse me of being a basement-dwelling sponge; I pay rent, and the utilities are in my name. I see her every day, coming apart at the seams, and it's cuttin' me real deep.

Her last boyfriend, who stuck around for a good three years, has been a mammoth-sized financial drain. Because of him, she moved house three times and wound up selling a good chunk of her assets and personal possessions because they were supposed to get hitched and merge all their shit into one big stability sandwich. Of course, he turned out to be a useless, selfish, neurotic dickbag who pretty much said flat-out that he didn't love her anymore and was sleeping around*. Despite this, he continued to live with us for a few extremely awkward subsequent months until the lease ran out and we could switch names on the contract.

*To demonstrate just how fucked up this dude was, he actually had his new girlfriend and her mother over to help him move out.

Due to the incompetence of some jackeroo surgeon, Mom has permanent nerve damage in her dominant hand and shoulder. She sued the fuck out of the medical company, but they wouldn't abate, and she was forced to settle out of court for a lump sum of peanuts because the stack of unpaid bills had reached critical mass.

This disability prevents her from getting the jobs she not only needs, but deserves. The only ones she can get are woefully underpaid in-home care gigs wiping the asses of dying children who live in the ghetto.

We live paycheck to paycheck. Moving to a more lucrative location would be ideal, but simply isn't in the cards right now. She's tired of uprooting herself, and I think another move would break her completely.

So now that you know the situation, here's the dilemma.

You know when you have a really old pet who is in constant pain, and you have to make that painful decision to put them down? Well... as fucked up as it is, that's how it feels with mom right now.

She's mentioned on several occasions how we'd both be better off if she took out a life insurance policy and just killed herself. The very idea fills me with disgust and horror, but with every passing day I see her viability dwindling, and more and more do I understand what she's going through.

She's in her throes, fighting every day to get a better job, find some new friends, basically anything to give her an excuse to live. Instead, she's met with more problems to add to the mountainous shit pile. She wakes up every morning already hating her life, only to be handed reasons to hate it even more. Whether it's the car, the water heater, our empty refrigerator, the inability to pay for the medicine she needs... it's always something. Unless we win the lottery, there's only more dark skies ahead.

She's so unhappy. So worn out. She reached the end of her tether long ago, and is listlessly coasting through her life. She often says I'm the only reason she stays alive, but with a "just let me die already" kind of resonance that makes me hate myself.

So I ask myself...
Am I wrong for making her go continue on with a life she hates? Is my presence a burden or am I saving her? I don't know who the selfish one is... It's so fucked. I know that once I'm gone, if she isn't a better way, she'll put herself down. I'm expecting it.

And make no mistake, she's not trying to manipulate me into sticking around. She wants me to go out into the world on my own and shine, like any good mother should. She talks about death with a kind of solemn dignity that makes me want to sob quietly

For those of you who read this, I'm sure the first thing that springs to mind is "she needs therapy". Well, she got therapy. For years. It didn't help that much. Now we can't afford it at all, and there aren't any good therapists who work for free. She's also on anti-depressants, or she would be... if she could afford them.

I don't know if I could live with myself if I agreed to let her go, but I'm also barely living with myself as it is. There's no way to come out of this unscathed, unless I stop caring about her completely, which is simply not possible.

I wonder what Kavorkian would have to say about all this.
Total Comments 30

Comments

Old
OANST's Avatar
I have no answers, but I know Kavorkian would have turned you away.
Posted 01-03-2013 at 11:21 AM by OANST OANST is offline

Old
STM's Avatar
I don't think I can offer any advice or help, I can't profess to understand and I can't really be there for you. But I do wish you all the best and I seriously wish I could offer some sort of financial assistance, if I had some sort of stable income I'd send you a cheque immediately.

Not sure how you'd go about solving these problems really. Is there a chance you could look towards some sort of charity to help you out? I know that no one wants to accept charity but maybe there's some sort of local philanthropist organisation you could go to and get advice or monetary assistance?

It's so shitty, good people who want to have a good life and an honest job struggle through the grim problem of existence whilst the greedy, oxygen wasting cunts of this Earth scrounge their way into a half decent existence.

I don't really know you that well, after four years even, but if you want to chat then you can PM me for my email, sometimes venting to someone you don't know can help at least mentally. I don't know, but the offer is there. =/
Posted 01-03-2013 at 11:39 AM by STM STM is offline

Old
Jordan's Avatar
I had absolutely no idea you'd be going through something like this. I'm unable to provide you with any advice, but I do offer my moral support. That probably sounds really shitty coming from me and won't mean much, but I just want you to know you don't have to go through this alone (and I'm sure others would agree)
Posted 01-03-2013 at 11:55 AM by Jordan Jordan is offline

Old
Sekto Springs's Avatar
Thank you. I appreciate the support. All the more considering I'm such a smarmy cunt on this forum and I make it easy for you all to hate my guts.

I just had a long talk with her, and it only made me feel worse. She confirmed everything I mentioned in this blog, even the more hyperbolic stuff, and added that I've been a shitty son who hasn't made it any easier for her. And she's right. And I know she's right.

Then five minutes and a cigarette later she tries to do damage control by taking back everything she said and reassuring me that things aren't as bad as she let on.

She always does this, which only makes me feel worse, because it only deepens my feelings of confusion. I'm fully aware of how bad our situation is, so it's hard to believe her when she calms down and tries to wax palliative.


Quote:
Not sure how you'd go about solving these problems really. Is there a chance you could look towards some sort of charity to help you out? I know that no one wants to accept charity but maybe there's some sort of local philanthropist organisation you could go to and get advice or monetary assistance?
We've looked into this, but the short answer is no. Because we're both white and educated, we barely qualify for any sort of assistance because they expect us to be able to make our own way, and truth be told we totally could. Yet we can't. We've tried. We have no support and the job market is terrible right now.
Posted 01-03-2013 at 12:30 PM by Sekto Springs Sekto Springs is offline

Old
Crashpunk's Avatar
God that sounds absolutely awful and it must be really tough. I have next to nothing to give other than I hope everything turns out for the best.

Also, your really not as bad as you say you are.
Posted 01-03-2013 at 01:20 PM by Crashpunk Crashpunk is offline

Old
MeechMunchie's Avatar
There'd clearly been something eating at you for a while (Most Changed Member indeed), but I didn't realise you'd fallen into this kind of crisis.

Other than finding someone generous and mooching off of them relentlessly, I can't think of any legal ways to get money, but best of luck to you.
Posted 01-03-2013 at 04:22 PM by MeechMunchie MeechMunchie is offline

Old
Nate's Avatar
I've got no words of advice and nothing to offer but moral support, which I give freely.

I just wanted to point out that most life insurance policies don't cover suicide.
Posted 01-03-2013 at 05:54 PM by Nate Nate is offline

Old
MA's Avatar
i don't know what to say that can help you, but good luck. i feel for you buddy, soldier on.
Posted 01-03-2013 at 07:25 PM by MA MA is offline

Old
Sekto Springs's Avatar
Quote:
I just wanted to point out that most life insurance policies don't cover suicide.
Her plan is to make it look like an accident. I'm not sure what that entails, and I haven't asked. I don't want to encourage her in any way.

Quote:
Other than finding someone generous and mooching off of them relentlessly, I can't think of any legal ways to get money, but best of luck to you.
This is one of the many things that's eating her. The rest of her immediate family is quite wealthy, but they have never offered to help her out financially. They don't even visit us, yet they expect us to drive out to visit them during the holidays, even when they know we barely have money to eat, let alone for taking frivolous trips. This longstanding acrimony has earned her three sisters their nicknames; Fake, Flake, and Snake.

Other than paying my weight and being nice to her, there's little else I can do to keep her stable.

Thanks again for your support.
Posted 01-03-2013 at 07:48 PM by Sekto Springs Sekto Springs is offline

Old
DarkHoodness's Avatar
Get her to talk to Samaritans (You do live in the US, right?) if you feel it may help and that it's something you haven't tried yet.
Posted 01-03-2013 at 07:56 PM by DarkHoodness DarkHoodness is offline

Old
Bullet Magnet's Avatar
Don't let her do anything stupid.

Just... don't. Please.
Posted 01-03-2013 at 08:37 PM by Bullet Magnet Bullet Magnet is offline

Old
Xavier's Avatar
I'm like a few other members here. I have no idea what to give you as advice but I want to let you know you have all the moral support you could need from me.
Posted 01-04-2013 at 04:27 AM by Xavier Xavier is offline

Old
Splat's Avatar
I know I can't really offer comfort or advice, but... I genuinely believe that if you keep fighting things will eventually get better. It probably won't mean much to you but I'm praying for you.
Posted 01-04-2013 at 04:55 AM by Splat Splat is offline

Old
T-nex's Avatar
I wish I could help... But I guess the only way I could help would be with a scheme to earn money.... And Im still working on that...
Posted 01-04-2013 at 04:55 AM by T-nex T-nex is offline

Old
Varrok's Avatar
I... I think you should listen to BM and Splat
Posted 01-04-2013 at 05:57 AM by Varrok Varrok is offline

Old
T-nex's Avatar
Keep fighting or die trying... Its a good motto...
Wish it was always easy to go by it.
Posted 01-04-2013 at 08:15 AM by T-nex T-nex is offline

Old
STM's Avatar
Especially when in this instance dying trying is a possibility...
Posted 01-04-2013 at 12:12 PM by STM STM is offline

Old
Varrok's Avatar
It's not really trying anymore if a person doesn't fight
Posted 01-04-2013 at 01:56 PM by Varrok Varrok is offline

Old
Manco's Avatar
Quote:
Don't let her do anything stupid.

Just... don't. Please.
Echoing this.

“If only” is the worst feeling in the world.
Posted 01-04-2013 at 05:36 PM by Manco Manco is offline

Old
Sekto Springs's Avatar
We're looking into letting out one of the rooms at our place. This will ease our financial burden slightly. That's the only good news at the moment.
Posted 01-04-2013 at 06:28 PM by Sekto Springs Sekto Springs is offline

Old
Sekto Springs's Avatar
Anyone remember that blog I wrote before about being almost homeless?

Well, seems like that issue is on the horizon again, as my mom's agency has fucked her out of all the proper-paying jobs. She has about 6 dollars in her account. I'm now making more than her working a minimum wage job putting sprinkles on ice cream. Sad.
Posted 01-06-2013 at 02:34 PM by Sekto Springs Sekto Springs is offline

Old
mr.odd's Avatar
This is... Grim.


Is their no family members that will help you? Or friends that would be willing to take you in?
Posted 01-06-2013 at 09:17 PM by mr.odd mr.odd is offline

Old
Sekto Springs's Avatar
No to both, unfortunately.
My mom's friends aren't much better off than we are, and our family has never been the most helpful. Mom is sort of the black sheep of the family for a few reasons, the main one being she's the only one of them that isn't a fundie wackjob.

We just have to hold our own for another 8-10ish months, that's when we all plan on parting ways and moving to our respective lands of opportunity. California for me, and Ohio (or possibly Canada) for her.
Posted 01-06-2013 at 10:40 PM by Sekto Springs Sekto Springs is offline

Old
T-nex's Avatar
Can't you just pretend to be fundie wackjobs? .__.
Posted 01-07-2013 at 04:14 AM by T-nex T-nex is offline

Old
Nate's Avatar
I don't understand fundie wackjobs who haven't learnt that the #1 rule of their religion is compassion.



And I'm speaking as someone who just had dinner at my fundie wackjob uncle's house and had a lovely time. Because he's one of the nice fundie wackjobs.
Posted 01-07-2013 at 04:19 AM by Nate Nate is offline

Old
Sekto Springs's Avatar
Quote:
Can't you just pretend to be fundie wackjobs? .__.
If my mom has too much pride to work at McDonald's, she certainly has too much pride to lie about her dogmas.

Quote:
I don't understand fundie wackjobs who haven't learnt that the #1 rule of their religion is compassion.
They have plenty of compassion, unless you're atheist, black, jewish, or gay. Then you don't deserve compassion because you're heathen filth.

Our family isn't that bad, they're very amicable towards us in a kind of fake way, but they've never even offered us one red cent for our troubles.
Posted 01-07-2013 at 09:41 AM by Sekto Springs Sekto Springs is offline

Old
T-nex's Avatar
But have you ever asked for help?
Posted 01-07-2013 at 10:53 AM by T-nex T-nex is offline

Old
Sekto Springs's Avatar
Yes. Many times.
Posted 01-07-2013 at 11:53 AM by Sekto Springs Sekto Springs is offline

Old
T-nex's Avatar
But I just don't get how family can be so cold to see their relatives be in such great need, and just shut the door on them repeatedly it seems so heartless...
Posted 01-07-2013 at 11:59 AM by T-nex T-nex is offline

Old
Sekto Springs's Avatar
Well, it's easy for them because none of them live nearby and they're caught up in their own lives. I'm sure if they actually visited us once in a while, they would see our situation for themselves.

My mom and her sisters grew up very poor. Everyone but my mom managed to escape the impoverished life, and as a result, they all cling to their money like it's the Depression.
Posted 01-07-2013 at 01:48 PM by Sekto Springs Sekto Springs is offline

 

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