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My Name Is Ozymandias

Posted 04-02-2016 at 05:01 AM by JayDee
Rather than preface this with some kind of update on the events prior I'd prefer to get straight to the point. My friend died. This isn't the first death I've experienced, far from it, though it certainly struck me at a strange time in my life. Nothing in my life currently seems in balance to how it was a year ago, even though I had just been dumped out of a 2 year relationship and didn't seem to know which way was up. Looking back now I'm more than just slightly envious of how secure everything was regardless.

This friend who passed isn't someone I'd known for any great length of time, but was the kind of friend that you have nothing but fond memories with. Their death came as a shock as the friend had messaged a couple nights before asking whether I would be coming out, though unfortunately I was at home with my family and he died that same night. Of course several scenarios play over in my mind where I'm able to attend whatever event it was he was at that ultimately lead to his death, and my being there preventing it ever happening. Anyone I've told about this gives me the same "You shouldn't think like that." But that doesn't help the fact that I do.

One of the hardest things is seeing the seemingly endless list of Facebook obituaries from friends and families, especially considering more often than not they contain photos of them. Though I'm guilty of doing the same when I'd heard the news. but seeing all these people gather to mourn; to post memories, to light candles, it makes me realise how immemorable I am. Growing up there were certainly fewer photos and memories than would be expected, and despite my best attempts I don't seem to have the memorable moments with people I'd like to have.

This sets about the crushing thoughts of "If I died tomorrow, what would I be leaving?" These thoughts are true for most people, and it's not the first time I'm thinking them. But comparing everything I have to everything of others terrifies me. Anyway, I don't usually blog and there's a multiyude of problems above and below this, so I'm just going to leave this here as some kind of mental note to be more memorable.
Total Comments 12

Comments

Old
STM's Avatar
<3
Posted 04-02-2016 at 05:24 AM by STM STM is offline

Old
Nepsotic's Avatar
People who try to be more memorable end up doing the complete opposite. Just do what you do and enjoy yourself. Either that or shoot up a school.
Posted 04-02-2016 at 05:55 AM by Nepsotic Nepsotic is offline

Old
JayDee's Avatar
But I don't know what I do.
Posted 04-02-2016 at 06:21 AM by JayDee JayDee is offline

Old
STM's Avatar
Like Hitler.
Posted 04-02-2016 at 06:56 AM by STM STM is offline

Old
JayDee's Avatar
Quote:
Originally Posted by STM
Like Hitler.
Guess it's time to shoot myself.
Posted 04-02-2016 at 07:43 AM by JayDee JayDee is offline

Old
Nepsotic's Avatar
Quote:
But I don't know what I do.
Welcome to life, enjoy your stay. (You won't)
Posted 04-02-2016 at 08:09 AM by Nepsotic Nepsotic is offline

Old
STM's Avatar
That was directed @Neppyboi, not you you egg.
Posted 04-02-2016 at 09:18 AM by STM STM is offline

Old
Nepsotic's Avatar
Hitler shot up a school?
Posted 04-02-2016 at 09:20 AM by Nepsotic Nepsotic is offline

Old
MA's Avatar
man i'm really sorry to hear that. my condolences.

Quote:
This sets about the crushing thoughts of "If I died tomorrow, what would I be leaving?" These thoughts are true for most people, and it's not the first time I'm thinking them. But comparing everything I have to everything of others terrifies me.
you would absolutely leave a lot behind. your family and friends who all love you on different levels would be stricken with grief similar to what you're experiencing now, and worse. you shouldn't devalue yourself, everyone is on an equal playing field and being 'memorable' or comparing what you have to what others have has no bearing on that fact.

no one is more special, or more deserving to live, than the next person. we are all equal. if we start going down the 'but some people are more equal than others' route then it's Animal Farm all over again.

try to stay positive and do things you enjoy. take your mind off it. physical exercise can sometimes help if you're feeling especially shitty, or just venting can help. best of luck, man.
Posted 04-02-2016 at 09:38 AM by MA MA is offline

Old
JayDee's Avatar
Thanks MA, the kind words are very much appreciated, and I do feel better just for being able to rant a little and having everything written down here.
Posted 04-02-2016 at 09:52 AM by JayDee JayDee is offline

Old
Moot's Avatar
I get a very similar feeling regularly, existing is a difficult thing to grasp, especially when you start pondering on what your value is in the grand scheme of things.

Just know you're not alone in that, most people are just as confused and lost as you are! Just hang in there.
Posted 04-02-2016 at 01:00 PM by Moot Moot is offline

Old
MeechMunchie's Avatar
I've stuggled with the idea of "personal notability" a fair bit, and the best I can say is that if there is someone who happily talks to you day after day, they will notice your absence. Don't think you're unvalued just because you're not sought out, for the most part people leave each other to their business until signalled to do otherwise.
Posted 04-28-2016 at 02:15 PM by MeechMunchie MeechMunchie is offline

 




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