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More wonderful than we are normally inclined to think.

Yet we should nor sing at all neither rejoice unless our love is ruinless.
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Short autobiography. The blight, the pain and the fight.

Posted 03-08-2017 at 11:54 AM by Xorlidyr
Updated 03-08-2017 at 12:00 PM by Xorlidyr
Maybe you have mostly already known about this, I am traumatised by my extremely emotionally and physically abusive mother. Just imagine every kind of domestic abuse (exclude sexual and not hygienic) and that is my mother.

She divorced my father when I was 3, so I did not really have a father. And my mother is a step-mother in disguise, so I actually had no parents in the mental and emotional aspects.

I parented myself in a destructive fashion. And due to that I became extremely histrionic and narcisstic when I was with my mother. That was until the age of 17.

When I turned 17, I went to Germany. I immediately went to therapy, because I was having panic attacks and huge narcisstic periods. I was disgusted with myself. But the therapists helped greatly. I started talking to people and being open about myself. I became authentic (which is so scary, feels so vulnerable, until you get used to it). There I saw, that the entire world of people is nothing what the mother was brainwashing me about. And I flipped completely to the opposite kind of spectrum. That is how Xorlidyr was born. I actually became as altrustic in real life as I could. I was enjoying new experiences.

But my mother still was trying to control me. Now, a cleansed self started truly fighting back. And in 1 year I finally told my uncle, whom she financially parasited on, the detailed version of this story, and he supported me mentally to do what had to be done.

I blocked my mother and I am never coming back to her. For all the times I forgave her (which was every day), I take it back. Now I can see her with human justice (and not the justice I constructed to survive with her) and what she did was borderline criminal. She could easily be revoked her parentship. She HAS to be punished. I ceased all the narcisstic supply I was giving her. Now my world is truly cleansed. I have a job, I have a university, I have a house, I have connections and I have an important person in my life. I can do everything alone. A full circle.

I shall never forgive someone, who was devouring my humanity and trying to bribe my mind with material gifts.

And I... do not feel love towards my parents... I despise my father for being weak and I despise my mother for having traumatised her own child.

What I need now is to come to balance with my light and dark sides. And stop lying to myself, that what she did could ever be acceptable. A mother has the mission to make sure her children become people. My mother has practically made me into a monster. I was just lucky enough to escape.
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Lord Vhazen's Avatar
We are what we are because of our childhood, for better or for worse. There are some pains that never leave - it stays with you, no matter where you go, and it can change the way you look at people. But as much as it hurts, love, loss, guilt and suffering - it defines us, and in the end we grow around it to become stronger. The hatred - towards others or the self - which we all go through at some point in our lives doesn't have to be all that we are, and we can make ourselves so much more because of it.

I can't compare my life to yours, it doesn't sound fair as I'm sure I've had a much softer time on this Earth. But I do know what it's like to hate yourself in the most irrational of ways - guilt and self-punishment for things that no one else would even remember but yourself. It's me who will never let the things I've done go, no one else, and sometimes I still insult myself in bed for stupid things I did when I was just a kid. But despite that, I've grown up a lot since then, and I know I can make a better future for myself. I've been so bitter on the inside, but I try my best to be an optimist towards others now.

It was very brave to share this, and I'm sure there's much more that hasn't been said. But on the other hand, it doesn't have to be said - you don't have to excuse your feelings, not to yourself or anyone. Respect towards your elders is such a common cultural thing, but honestly as I've gotten older I've grown to despise the idea of "family values" and tradition. Not every family is the same, and nothing is ideal. We're not a better or worse person based on how we feel about our parents or what we do for them, it honestly does depend on what kind of people they were and how much they bothered with us, regardless of just simply being the reason we are born into this world. You're no monster because of your parents. You're whatever you want to make yourself out to be.
Posted 03-08-2017 at 09:41 PM by Lord Vhazen Lord Vhazen is offline


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