I skimmed over your story a bit, and two things that stand out like a tree are:
1. You're dialogs. Their way to close to each other without anything inbetween.
"Sir what if he does not live through that?" "Why woulden't he?" "Lack of air sir." "It does not matter he's just another soul for the master to feast in."
That makes me stop reading in an instant. Not to mention it doesn't even say who says what, or what kind of emotion the characters are saying it with.
2. BORING and fast scenes...
She was induring horrific pain and before I knew it everything became silent and she died.
This makes me think... okay? So what she died? I don't care.
I think that, becouse you never described in what kind of pain she is. What goes trough her. I hear people being in horrific pain and dieing on the news every day. Doesn't do much to me anymore.
Thats just two things you might want to fix before even attempting another story. Expand your scenes a bit. Give details! Detail details details! It's the key to a good store. Even the color of socks he's wearing (as a figure of speeh...). You know what I mean. Good luck!