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  #1  
Old 12-23-2002, 08:53 AM
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Default Dan Express

Ok, here I go, my second fanfic.

What I am perceiving as the problem for the lack of responses for Zeeron's Tale (and I thank those who did for their kind comments), was that I posted the whole story all at one time, and that people felt a little afraid to read it as it seemed so long. But let me tell you this: It was the same size as others on here but it was all at once. Why can you not understand this? I'm trying to help you. Just listen to me!!! *Starts bashing the keyboard*
...I'm sorry, I got a little carried there.

Zeeron's Tale: Read it now! Read it now! Read it now!

Now back to the subject.
This story is not the sequel to my last fanfic (how could it be?). And it is also unlike my other in the way it does not follow the Quintology.

I don't know how the rest is gonna go but I have the next chapter in mind.
Summary: Dan is a super fast mudokon escaping from the newly reconstructed Vykkers Labs.
I know it's short, that's all I've got but the story will unfold.

Here it is...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dan Express

Our story begins with Test Subject no. 15372 (or Dan as he liked to be called.) sprinting across a dark field in the middle of the night.

He has no idea where he is but he knows where heís aiming for. He is heading for the bright silver moon that shines before him, with its face looking oddly like an imprint of his hand. After all, where else has he got to go to get away from these madmen?

Hot on his trail, the Vykker gun ship speeds, Meep scattering below it.

"Go faster Derrick, you idiot!" yelled Mantuss the Glukkon.

"Shut up! Iím trying to concentrate!" replied the Vykker pilot.

Dan spotted a forest and ran into it.

The ship flew over top for a moment.

"Torch it!" screamed Derrick to the slig in control of the weapons

His mask was hooked up to a socket in the roof to provide enhanced sight and aiming. His hands were on two control sticks. He pushed the top button on the left stick and a disk flew out of one of the side of the ship and sank out of view into the forest. In an instant it exploded, sending a flame ring setting fire to everything in a thirty metre radius.

"Dammit!" cried Derrick as he watched Dan speeding out of the forest.

They chased him for a few minutes until he reached rocky terrain, which slowed him fast enough for them to catch up. But he was so fast; he was still able to avoid everything they fired.

"Hahaha," Derrick laughed as he saw what was ahead.

Dan kept running. Then he also witnessed what lay before him, a steep, rocky cliff which stretched out as far as his eyes could see in the moonlit darkness. He realized he now had no hope but he ran up and attempted to climb anyway.

"Now!í shouted both Derrick and Mantuss at the same time to the slig.

The slig squeezed a trigger and charged the laser cannon.

Dan heard the whir of it and turned around to see what it was. In shock he fell from the three meters he had climbed. Just as it fired, he jumped back and the laser shot past his ponytail and smashed in to the cliff. It crumbled and formed and formed a path upwards, perfect for passing over.

Dan took off again.

Inside the ship, all was quiet except for the low beeping of the computer. Everyone was staring at the weapon controlling slig.

"What?" he questioned.

"You freakiní idiot! We had him!" yelled Derrick.

"He was trapped for cryiní out loud!" Mantuss joined in.

"Anybody could have missed, he moved," pleaded the slig.

"Oh you just wait until we get back," threatened Mantuss.

Pilot Derrick sighed, "Itís no use now, heís well gone, and weíre running low on fuel. Weíre going back."

He turned the ship around and they returned to the new Vykkerís Labs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well that's it. Please tell me you're thoughts.
I know it was kinda sci-fi but the rest won't be like that, I've just always wanted to do it.

Coming soon: Nature and it's civilisation...
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  #2  
Old 12-24-2002, 01:56 AM
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This is interesting, I would like to find out why he was so fast. I also would like to say I like how you started the story off right from the start with action, and a chase. Please continue whenever you have the chance to next.

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  #3  
Old 12-26-2002, 10:31 AM
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Default Chapter 2

Well thankyou very much Al, at least somebody likes my story (now that's fishing for compliments)

But I will not let that deter me so here is the next part...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dan had been running for five minutes since the cliff, but turning his head he had seen or heard nothing more of the ship.

He thought he would walk for another half an hour until he stopped to find a suitable place to sleep. He had been dozy when he leaped out of the window in Vykkerís Labs. But he couldnít have rested until he was totally free, and he forced himself to keep going. He didnít know why he felt like that when he escaped, in fact he didnít know a lot of what had happened for the last three hours before the chase. He didnít remember any of it.

The surface of the ground was getting less rocky. Thank the odd, he thought for his feet were cut and sore. And it felt good walking on the grass, kind of natural you could say.

He looked up again to the moon he was following. He hadnít gotten any closer it seemed. There was another similar one further to the left with an alike imprint but it was a little different and looked upside to Dan. He continued to watch the one he pursued for it gave him a sense of hope.

A sharp shadow began to slowly stab through the bottom of the moon.

What the hell? thought Dan.

He kept walking and it continued to slice through the middle. It had cut it right in half when he stopped walking and looked down.

He must have been staring at the silver ball for ages as he had come to a village and what looked to be a temple was before him, its steeple roof was that which looked as if halving the moon.

He continued to walk until he came to which he guessed was the village center. There was a stone well in the middle.

He unhooked the bucket and lowered it down to the water. He let it partially fill before he pulled on the rope to raise it again. He cupped his hands and took a few mouthfuls. It tasted far better than the crap he was used to and he needed it after the long run.

He was just replacing the bucket when he heard footsteps running toward him. Still edgy, he got ready to flee in danger.

It was a Mudokon, but he looked different to what Dan had always known Muds to look like.

He had a wooden contraption attached to his arm and blue and red feathers coming from his head and loincloth. His skin colouring was more of a purplish/blue than Danís grey.

The Mud shouted to him, "A forest fire!"

Dan didnít know what to say and just kept staring.

The Mudokon ran to the well and climbed on to the wooden roof.

"Forest fire!" he repeated.

Muds came running out of their huts and gathered in the town center.

They too looked different to Dan, as they were a light green colour, some with feathers. But he was still amazed in the first one.

"Thereís a forest fire in the Parrinch forest," he explained. "I do not what would have started it but it has spread far."

A more age worn looking villager stepped forward from the group. "We must hurry.

He brought his hands together and began to hum. Birds fluttered down from the sky and formed a circle. They then flew into the middle together and became a blue energy, which once again formed a circle. Inside it was like looking into something so empty not even nothing was in it. He kept humming and revolving his hands, while the villagers began to run toward it and jump through.

Being the second to last one left, Dan jumped through as well.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

...So what'd you think? I would love your feedback.
Sure not much happened in this chapter but in the next few you will learn a lot, and in a few chapters you will see some familiar faces.

Coming soon: A battle with a heated opponent...
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  #4  
Old 12-26-2002, 11:54 AM
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MunchOnThis managed to get out of the caveÖ Wow, so impressive (10)
Oddworld *TR music plays*

This is an interesting story...Keep up the good work!
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Old 12-27-2002, 10:25 AM
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Default Chapter 3

Thankyou very much MunchOnThis.

Hmm... Well things are not looking too good for you people. You see if I don't get feedback, I don't write more. So basically, you are deciding if anyone will ever get to read the full version of this masterpiece. Tsk tsk.
Nah! Just kidding, I'm gonna write it anyway but please tell me what you think. Oh and all those that do, get chocolate.

So the next chapter exists but things are swinging off course a little... As in every event I make happen takes a whole chapter when some were originally meant to be two in one. But I can't say thats not good, after all, most of the best stories are long.

Shall we get into it? Alrighty then...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dan came out the other side as if he had just performed a normal jump, except for the fact that he was outside a forest. He recognized it as the one he had sped through whilst being pursued. The flames were high and Paramites were fleeing. Dan remembered them from the cages alongside his in Vykkerís Labs.

Behind him the Mudokon who opened the portal jumped out, it closed and the birds returned, flying off into the night sky.

There was a structure nearby, made up of four tall rocks with wood sticking up out of them. There was a big grey shrub in the middle.

The Muds were rushing over to it and forming a ring around it. Dan overheard someone say something about Ďthe stormcircleí and he guessed thatís what it was.

The last one joined and they began waving their arms up and down as if worshipping it. From the tips of the four rocks shot four blue, jagged bolts that joined in the center. Then from three more rocks, which Dan had thought to be randomly placed, shot more bolts which joined with the others in the middle. They then formed one big bolt and shot up into the sky.

Dark clouds began forming and filling the sky. They blocked out everything that that shined, including the two moons. The only light left was from the blazing fire. Lightning struck across the sky and rain began to fall. The rain got heavier and heavier until the water drops were the size of golf balls. But the truly odd thing to Dan was that was that it only fell upon the forest, and nowhere else.

Within five minutes the fire had extinguished and the rain was slowing. All of a sudden there was a horrible hissing noise and a burning Paramite came half running, half stumbling out of the bush. Its back two legs were badly burnt and flames were climbing up its back.

It was running around mad. The Mud with the wooden contraption on his arm glanced over to the Mud who opened the portal. He nodded so the first one raised his device and shot at the Paramite. It missed. He tried again but it wouldnít stay still so he couldnít hit it.

Dan saw what he was trying to and he sprinted towards the creature and dived on it. He heard people make comments like "Wow" and "So fastÖ" as he tightened his grip.

One last shot was fired which hit directly in the Paramites mouth and it fell limp. Two Muds came over, picked it up and dragged it away.

The older looking Mudokon also came over. He said, "Come to my hut tonight." He walked off a little and reopened the portal.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

...Another chapter past, what do you think now? It is gonna develop to be quite a story you know, so best compliment it now so you can look back and say, "I encouraged that."
It's a good investment.

I'm getting ahead of myself here but I think for once I may do a sequel. No, not that this is anywhere near the end. You will meet a character next chapter that I may base the rest of my fanfics around. Not having him as the main charater but a main character... Rather like Jay and Silent Bob... And in the end give him his own story. Who knows?

I just love these little chats we have.

Coming soon: A friendship forms...
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  #6  
Old 12-28-2002, 04:04 AM
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Very cool, Fax! Look I read it! Now you gotta read mine! HAHAHAHAH....ha, yea, so.....cool story keep it up!
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Old 12-28-2002, 10:33 AM
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Default Chapter 4

Thanks Latty. Those who have replyed to my story help keep it alive.

I would write a whole big thing here but tonight I am extremely tired.

Now in this chapter, check out the Mudarcher and get to know him. As you will be seeing him in most of my other fanfics from now on.

I'll let you get into it...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When everyone was through they began to walk off to their huts.

Dan caught sight of the first one he had seen and ran to catch up to him.

"Hey," he said nervously.

"Hi," the purplish Mud replied.

They walked in silence for a moment.

"Back there at the forest, how did you move so fast as to catch that Paramite? No normal Mud is quick enough to do that."

"UmmÖ I dunnoÖ" Dan answered. "The first time I ever had a chance to run I went that fast. I had just guessed it was normal."

The other one laughed. "By the way, my nameís Sam." He put out his hand to shake.

"Dan," he replied. He put out his right hand but upon realizing about the wooden device he changed it with his left.

They continued to walk. Dan asked a question that had been plaguing his mind for a long time, "Whatís that on your arm?"

Sam laughed again.

"Donít you know what a Mudarcher is?"

Dan said nothing.

"Well thatís what I am. I protect the village from the village guard tower," he pointed to a tower up ahead that was hardly visible to Dan in the moonlight. "And this a Spoocebow."

"I worked really hard to become a Mudarcher, I took many tests and trained all day and night. Then the elder transformed me."

Something sparked in Danís brain. "I have to see him," he said.

"Ah, I thought that may be the case."

"Would you be able to take me to his hut?"

"Of course."

Sam took a step in front of Dan and held out his arm, gesturing him to a hut they were passing. It was beside the temple and was larger than the others.

Dan walked over to the door and entered.

The elder was sitting in the middle of the room meditating. Dan walked up to him.

"Come in Sam," he said without opening his eyes.

Sam, who was still standing by the door, walked up to stand beside Dan.

The elder opened his eyes and stood up.

"Who are you stranger and what is your purpose here?" asked the elder.

"My name is Dan, well thatís the name Amgine gave me."

The elder interrupted, "Who is this Amgine?"

"Well, Iím not exactly sure who he was, or what he was for that matter. But he taught me a lot, like what the different species were and a little history. You donít learn a lot otherwise being locked away all your life."

"Where were you locked away?"

"In Vykkerís Labs, both of them."

The elder gasped, he had known about the destruction of Vykkerís Labs, all free Muds knew the tales of Abe. But he had no idea it had been rebuilt.

"How did you escape?"

"I was drinking from my Ďwaterí bowl in my cage one day, when the door was opened and a sharp pain struck my neck. I grabbed at it and pulled out a needle. The next thing I remember I was in shackles but just being released from them by an Intern. Iím not sure why but I ran, bullets whirred past my feet but none could hit. There was no where else to go so I jumped out of the window."

The elder was in deep thought.

Dan continued, "Then out of the top of the complex came a metallic flying machine, which shot at me some more."

"A Vykker gun ship," the elder murmured.

"And so I ran from it, it was some distance behind but it couldnít catch up."

Samís jaw dropped, "You outran a Vykker gun ship?!"

"ErÖ yes, it must have chased me for a good two hours before I lost it. And thatís when I found your village."

"Where were you running to?" asked the elder.

"I was aiming for the beautiful moon in the sky. Have you noticed how it looks like our hand?"

Sam smiled and said, "You cannot run to the moon. It is millions of miles away, and unless you can fly you will never reach it."

Danís hopes sank.

The elder, who had been taking this all in, spoke, "I seeÖ Come to my hut again at sunrise tomorrow. You too Sam."

Sam bowed and left. Dan walked out after him.

They stood outside. "You can stay in my tower tonight," Sam offered.

"Thanks."

When they reached it they climbed the ladder and Dan stood in awe of the view.

"I can see for miles up here."

"I can see even further," said Sam.

"I donít understand."

"Itís part of being a Mudarcher. During the transformation, physical changes take place, such as enhanced sight."

"That would be cool."

"Oh it is."

Dan admired the view for a while longer.

"Sleep in this bed."

"But itís the only one in here."

"Thatís okay. I donít use it anyway. I have taught myself a little trick. Itís a way of meditating; I get my rest while keeping a conscious view of the plains. It is actually something that people all over Mudos have been trying to do for-"

He stopped mid-sentence at the sound of a snore and turned around to find Dan fast asleep.

He sighed and turned back to surveilance.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

... The name, Amgine is a hidden message. Why don't you look BACK and figure it out.

Space Ghost is on so I have to go. But remember if you want more at least one person needs to reply as I will not post twice without something in between.

Coming soon: It's Dan's turn to learn...
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Old 01-03-2003, 07:37 AM
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Keep it up Facsimile! I want to read more.
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Old 01-07-2003, 10:12 AM
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Default Chapter 5

Thanky very much CG.

I haven't updated in a while, so sue me! But I thought I would give myself a break over New Years, and it started very early and ended very late.

Back to business. In this Chapter (Chapter 5 by the way, celebrate!) Dan finds out where his position in the whole Native/Industrialist war is. Okay so I said this story doesn't stick to the Quintology but it kind of does, just after what we have seen so far.

Tricky bastards who can think, may have picked up on my character Sam has the same name as the Mudokon queen. This was no intention, the name was chosen because he will be in more of my fanfics and so I have related him to me. He is also based on an Elvish character. I always wanted to be Elven like...

I want to keep talking but I'd best deliver...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Dan. Dan."

He awoke to the vision of Sam standing over him, saying his name.

"What?" he questioned.

"The elder, remember? ĎTis almost sunrise."

Dan put his feet on the floor and rubbed his eyes. "I suppose weíd best go then."

"What could he need to see us for?" San wondered aloud whilst walking along the main dirt road.

"Hmm," agreed Sam. He had a feeling of what the meeting would be about, but was not sure enough to say.

They reached the hut and entered.

The elder was standing as if waiting for them.

He spoke, "Dan, the reason you were chased by the Vykker gun ship, was because you are very valuable to them. Under their control, you are a test to make a faster working Mudokon. Luckily for you, you were successful."

Dan nodded.

The elder continued, "But if you are free, and allied with your Mudokon brothers, then you could prove to be a potential weapon in our fight against the Industrialists!"

Thoughts filled Danís head. Me? Fight back against those bastards who held me captive my whole life? That would be great, but how could I, one little Mud, even put a dent in their great power?

He voiced his last question to the elder.

The elder and Sam laughed.

"You would not be alone. We have already made several movements in our resistance, lead by hero Abe, and most have been successful."

Sam smiled, "If we didnít fight back, there would be no use for Mudarchers like me. In fact, most of us wouldnít even be here."

"Well what am I meant to do and why is this ĎAbeí so great?!"

"I will forgive you for that last comment as you know not of recent events.

"The reason I brought you here today was so you could meet Abe and join the resistance. Sam will accompany you."

"But Elder Edward, I can not leave the village of Shanreel," Sam protested. "What would happen if you were attacked?"

"Do not think I have not prepared for this day Sam. I have been training two, not one, keen young Muds to take your place as the proud protectors of Shanreel."

"Well, if I must, but only because you ordered it."

"Then you shall leave immediately." The elder said and he walked around them and out of the door. Dan and Sam followed and as they stepped out of the door, they saw the portal open.

Dan walked up to it but stopped before it.

"Are you coming?" he asked Sam who hadnít left the doorway.

"Iíll be there soon," he responded.

"Okay," Dan said and he jumped through.

Sam walked and stood in front of the elder.

"Elder EdwardÖ" his mouth formed the beginning of a word, but he stopped.

"I will return."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

... There. You got it. How do you think my story is coming? I'd love to hear praise, criticism, whatever.

Hmm, not much to talk about in that one. Yes, the story is traveling slow, so those who love action all the time will be not hugely into this. Oh well, can't please everybody.

Isn't Sam noble? Man he's cool.
Tee hee hee.

Just wait, two more chapters, then you will be in common ground. With the two most famous Muds! Man, I'm giving more info than I even know.

Well that's it for another post.
*Starts twitching* What the hell? *Big demon bursts from chest* Give me replies! Replies! Or I shall eat your soals... *Goes back in*
That was weird, but I'm with him. REPLY!

Coming soon: The big village of Truft, with the first in familiar things...
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Old 01-21-2003, 08:47 AM
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The concept and storyline is great. But I would like to see a bit more description... that's just me.. I like descriptive stories. Anyway, with that in mind, keep writing.
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Old 03-06-2003, 08:25 AM
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Oh crap! I didn't realise anyone had replied! Since I don't post two chapters straight after each other I gave up on the story. Now I can continue! Hooray!

CG, I'm very sorry for the lack of description. I've kind of always been a comedy writer and this is the most serious thing I have ever written so I'm not too huge in that department but I think the more I do it I will get better.

That's right you little strawberry hotcakes! It's the sixth chapter of Dan Express! Party down!
Or read the story, whatever...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dan landed on a small hill. He looked around. He saw the sun was nearly fully visible above a large village below him. He took a step to the left and Samís feet hit the ground where Dan had just been. Sam took off walking down the path, Dan jogged to catch up.

"This is Trust, Abeís current whereabouts. He has to move all the time so the Industrialists do not capture himÖ or worse."

They reached the gate. There were two Mudokons with large clubs over their shoulders standing guard outside. As the Dan and Sam approached the Muds walked to the center of the gate.

"Halt, who goes there?" one questioned.

Sam responded. "I am Sam, protector of the village Shanreel and this is Dan. We were sent by Elder Edward."

The guards scanned the area for any danger, and then the one that hadnít spoken turned and yelled a command.

The gates started creaking and began to open inwards.

The duo walked through and they began to close behind them.

"Wow," exclaimed Dan upon looking around the village. "And itís so nice of them to give us directions," he said sarcastically.

"Fine, where do you want to go?" asked a Mudarcher standing on a platform attached to the wall.

"How the he-"

"Enhanced hearing. Another change that takes place in the transformation," explained Sam.

"We are trying to find our way to the elderís hut."

"Well go straight down this main road. And turn left at Alfís Rehab and Tea. You canít miss it."

"Thank you."

Dan and Sam began walking.

"Why didnít you ask where Abe was? Why are we going to the elder?" Dan asked.

"They wouldnít have known, well they would have informed us they didnít. Thatís the way it is. One day it will be different."

They reached the Rehab and Tea and went down the road opposite it.

Just ahead of them was a large building with more guards outside it. The directional Mud was right, they couldnít miss it.

Sam walked up to one of the guards and talked with him. The guard nodded and Sam beckoned to his companion.

They entered the door. It was a big with three doors going of on each side. Torches attached to pillars lit up the room. There were also feint glows coming from several Muds around the room meditating.

There was one at the back of the room, up a few steps. Dan and Sam stopped before the bottom step.

"Welcome, my young friends," the Mudokon said.

"We come from Shan-"

"I already know. Edward sent a messenger last night."

There was a small group of Muds that had escaped from The Enslavement. And when Abe started rescuing his brothers, those that had been free all along took a group of Muds each and colonized villages and they became the elders.

"Abe had no missions planned for today and he had left for the Rehab not long before you arrived," said the elder.

"Thank you," said Sam and he turned and left.

"Ah, yeah, thanks," Dan followed after him.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

... Once again sorry it is late. Hopefully I get at least one reply for this bit so's I can carry on.

Can you guess who's coming into the story?
I can! I can!

Not much to say tonight so that's it.
Byebye.

Coming soon: Famous faces! They'll be here this time! I swear!
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Old 06-21-2003, 01:05 AM
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Abe's son Abe's son is offline
Outlaw Shooter
 
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Abe's son managed to get out of the caveÖ Wow, so impressive (10)
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Bravo Bravo, More More!
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