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  #1  
Old 11-17-2009, 07:36 AM
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Oddworld The captured ones

Since I didn't complete my fanfic for the fanfiction writing competition I'll start posting the chapters here...

the chapters are not very long and I will upload the story once or twice in a week...



-hope you guys like it




The captured ones


.... 1 .....


I refuse to open my eyes.
Desperately I’m clinging to the darkness that is surrounding me. I squeeze my eyelids together as tight as I can, not letting any light reach me.

Light means that I’m still alive and that all my hopes are shattered. Light means that I have survived it again, and that they will use me again.

The mere thought is sickening me.

My arms and legs are shackled so tightly that I feel all numb. Floating in an endless black nothingness –But that’s good. I don’t want to feel the pain again. I don’t want to find out what they have done to me this time.

I press my cheek against the cold operating table, trying to calm down, struggling to suppress the nausea. Cold sweat is running down my neck and I‘m shivering.

“Maybe it’s just a bad dream…. A very bad dream ….and I will wake up the next moment… I will be in my village and everything will be fine…” I whisper soundlessly to myself over and over again.

I never have been good at lying … I can’t even lie to myself…. and still …I try as hard as I can to remember my village…

But there is nothing.

…just blackness … surrounding me.

My heart throbs painfully. I can’t remember their faces anymore. I can’t remember my life as a free Mudokon anymore. The village …the forests …my friends ... Was it just a dream? … Did this part of my life ever exist? –I can’t remember and suddenly it seems to me as if I try to remember a long forgotten story someone else had told me …. Someone else’s memories - but not mine.

Tears are filling my eyes, as if they could return my memories to me. Every drop for a precious moment of my past… but I hold them back. I don’t want to open my eyes to let those tears go, I fear that nothing will be left of me.

I don’t want to die and yet it’s the thing I wish the most.

But I don’t want to die alone. Not like this. Not in this hell.

I gasp for air and open my eyes.




***

-to be continued- (if i get at least 1 reply)


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Last edited by scipionyx; 11-17-2009 at 07:39 AM..
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  #2  
Old 11-17-2009, 10:23 AM
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a few decent fictions have been popping up recently, and this is definitely one of them. very nice work there, almost poetic.

yeah, liking this, i'll be reading.
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Old 11-17-2009, 12:08 PM
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I hate fanfiction!!!


~nice work... I should write some...
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Old 11-17-2009, 12:25 PM
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... I have trouble making sense of that comment Mr. Enchilado.

In other news, Scipionyx has made a very nice opening to what would have been entered in the competition, had it been finished in time. Sadly it wasn't but we can still admire it.
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Old 11-17-2009, 12:49 PM
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Aren't you contradicting yourself a little, enchilado?

Nice work Scipionyx, this has a strange rhythmn to it, like MA said, almost poetic ^_^ I look forward to reading more
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Old 11-17-2009, 02:04 PM
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That's really awesome! I'd love to see where it goes! (And so sad it didn't make it into the competition)
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Old 11-17-2009, 02:30 PM
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Very dark... I will definitely read more.
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Old 11-19-2009, 10:49 AM
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whoa i come here and see this... I thought maybe ...if I'm lucky one person would have pity with me and reply to this... xD
Thanx everyone for starting to read!

now I'm afraid to post the next 'chapter' or part (there are not really chapters in this story)





enjoy




(.... 2 ....)




....

Silence.

Everything remains dark, which terrifies me for a moment until I realize that someone has switched the lights off.

I relax a little. There is not as much pain as I expected. Just my skin seems to burn a little and it feels terribly itchy. The same itchiness you feel when a wound is about to heal and you are not allowed to scratch it.

I can’t move because of the shackles and the feeling is increasing, it almost makes me want to tear my skin off.

Suddenly the doors slip open and a light ray is burning my eyes.

I hear myself groaning in a disturbing unnatural way. The light was so bright that it stung my eyes.

A crooked shadow like figure is entering the room with faint short steps.

It is a Vykker, I recognize his chuckling. Interns never chuckle like that.

Oh please not again.

The doors are closing with a slight buzzing sound while panic rises in me as quickly as a darting flame. It’s dark again and I can’t see, but I sense him scurrying past the operating table searching for something.

“I see you are already awake!” He smirks and bends over me with a glinting scrutiny in his eyes, spreading his rotten breath over me. Then – to my great relief- he turns away to the machines, attaching a little device with a huge glowing display and typing in some data. “Yeah, yeah… ” He mumbles to himself excited and nods satisfied. “How do you feel? Is your head aching or something?”

I attempt to shake my head but I’m either too weak or my head has become very heavy.

“Ok, I’ll turn on the light now… it’s not intense but for an unmasked Slig it’s probably a little unpleasant.”

A second later the room is lighting up in a brilliant stinging white. My pulse is quickening but I force my eyes to stay open. I never saw an unmasked Slig before … where is he?

But all I can see are cables covering my body and the reflections from the metal table stinging painfully in my eyes.

And my skin feels itchy again. It’s even more terrible than before and I squirm in my shackles, crying inwardly for freedom.

Suddenly someone is screaming in the room to the next, followed by the ear splitting noise of metal clonking on metal. Startled I wince and glance to the door.

“WHERE IS HE?!?!” the irritated Mudokon screams so loudly that his voice becomes hoarse. After some yells and screams from a bunch of other Vykkers and Interns stumbling around, the Mudokon storms out of the room. He is swearing some words that I have never heard a Mudokon saying before. “Where-” his voice breaks and I recognize something familiar about it. Maybe he’s one of my cellmates… but I can’t remember anyone who has that voice. Yet I’m sure I know it.

He hammers against the doors but they remain shut. The Vykker grins widely glancing at me. “He’s not so happy about it… but it was either Skillya or the experiment, so he had no choice!” He chuckles again and unties me.

After he had freed me from all the cables that were connected to my body he goes away and continues to search.

I’m still lying limply on my back my body is a little numb but my heart is beating quickly, pumping blood through my veins strangely fast. I weakly roll to my side and want to stand up but there is something strange about my body. Squinting again I manage to lift myself up to my arms and look down.

But what I see there takes my breath away.

I freeze in shock just staring. My mind is blank in an instant.

Despite the tremendous noise of the door being forced open I don’t react.

Someone is glaring at me, panting heavily. I ignore it, too busy to understand what is wrong with me. I remark that I’m trembling -even my breath is trembling with shock. I see everything clearly but it doesn’t make any sense in my brain.

But he continues glaring at me not saying a word as if he understands.

I slowly look up gazing at the tall Mudokon in front of me searching for an explanation. But what I see just confuses me more.

It’s not just a Mudokon.

It’s myself. Or at least he looks exactly like I used to look like a few hours before. His facial expression is mirroring my feelings so well that it seems to be my own reflection. Being more real than the strange body I see when I look down at myself now.

I take a deep breath trying to suppress the feeling of nausea rising in me.

“Give it back.” he says with my voice. “Give me my body back!”



***



-to be continued- (...if someone replies......was it confusing?)
EDIT: if something sounds weird it's because english is not my first language and perhaps i used wrong words to describe something plz tell me if that happens ^^;
edit: the icon is not made by me... it's from dA xD
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Last edited by scipionyx; 11-19-2009 at 11:16 AM..
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  #9  
Old 11-19-2009, 11:57 AM
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That has got to be one of the best "What the?" moments I've seen in a while. I would have voted for this if I had been a judge, and if this had been finished. You're a woman of many talents. Or girl if you prefer.
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Old 11-19-2009, 12:41 PM
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oh what a shock. this has started with a bang.

nice going.
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Old 11-19-2009, 01:41 PM
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Pretty good. I guessed what had happened when the guy on the table seemed confused about the maskless slig comment, but very cool.
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Old 11-20-2009, 12:25 AM
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Nice opening and second chapter I've never been fond of first of stories told in first person, but I quite like this.
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Old 11-20-2009, 04:32 AM
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Nice concept. While it's a matter of preference, I love stories told in the first person perspective. I love your style as well-- in MA's words, 'almost poetic'.

Looking forward to part three.
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Old 11-20-2009, 09:50 PM
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Dang...but this got surreal quite quickly! In any case, this is good pacing and you have me hooked. Can't wait to see what happens next...
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Old 11-22-2009, 02:09 PM
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crazysteef!!!!!!!! 8D *glomps*

thank you!!! ^___^ i thought you had left OWF?... xD the last 3 drawings i uploaded here will not be at dA (if you're interrested)




...

and yeah I knew the last one was a little too obvious ^^; i wanted to change it but was too lazy and then i forgot about it... ^^;


ok I did not want to post the next chapter so soon [because I'm rewriting parts of this fanfiction ^^; ] but meh...

thanx to everyone for reading untill now...



I know you all know what happened in part 2 but Sabie (main character) has his problems to understand ^^; perhaps i shouldn't have split up the story that way but right now i don't have time to change it...

ugh I don't have time for anything ;__;



hope you will still enjoy







(.... 3 ....)




I puke. The only thing I hear is my blood rushing through my veins. The Vykker is observing us silently holding something with both of his hands.

I shudder, getting goose bumps, breathing unsteadily.

The air is so muggy that it’s choking.

“What have you …?” My new voice is scaring me to death. The voice I hear when I talk is not my own voice, it’s deep and hoarse.

“Here…”He puts a big mirror in front of me so that I can see myself.

I hesitate but then I look up to the mirror feeling sick again.

I stare into the reflection of a young Slig. He is unmasked and without his metal legs and his skin is green with dark stripe like markings covering his whole body. His face is black and his eyes are small and scared. He is spreading his face tentacles in shock.

I slowly lift my arm and touch the place where I expect my Mudokon nose.

The Slig in the mirror hesitantly grabs his face-tentacles.

My jaw drops and I squint. The Slig in the mirror does the same.

“We finally discovered how Abe possessed Slig guards. With that knowledge we were able to transfer a Mudokons soul into a Sligs body and vice versa. This was just the first step. We want to develop a device that allows us to possess other species without exchanging the soul. For the moment you two will remain like this.” The Vykker says in a bored voice implying us with one of his four arms to leave the room.

I stare at him wide eyed not able to form my thoughts in a way I could express them. The dust in the air is glittering in the artificial light, distracting my eyes.

Could it become any worse?

I close my eyes again repeating my wish to die.

“Ok to avoid confusion I’ll call you 01…” He points at the Slig in my body. “…and you are 02. Understand?”

While he talks someone is thrusting a baton in my hand and pulls something over my face, lifting me up and stuffing me into a cold metal thing. But I don’t resist. I don’t care.




***




-to be continued- ? (next chapter will be better...)


oh and the Slig with who Sabie (02) switched bodies, looks similar to this guy now (some of you already know him ...) http://www.oddworldforums.net/attach...6&d=1252531176


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Old 11-23-2009, 05:29 AM
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pretty cool. Though you want 'soul'. 'Sole' is a part of the foot, which sligs don't have
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Old 11-23-2009, 07:36 AM
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whoops xD lmao thank you *edits*
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Old 11-23-2009, 07:40 AM
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This makes me feel very bummed out that this didn't make it into the competition. I personally think it would have won.
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Old 11-24-2009, 08:17 PM
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Ooohhh...soul-switching ans science always makes for an interesting combination! You have a neat way of writing too; description instead of simply saying what's going on (if that makes any sense). I can't wait for the next part!!!

Naw...I just haven't had much time to hang around here or do Oddworld stuff. I really want to come back seriously though...
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Old 11-24-2009, 09:58 PM
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Nice work. Sorry for my last comment, what I meant to say was that normally I hate fanfiction but this is great.


~hope to read the next chapter soon.
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  #21  
Old 11-25-2009, 06:02 AM
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this is great. and as i have said numerous times before; i love the old fashioned slig visor, which makes me like his character more.
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Old 11-29-2009, 09:27 AM
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thanx everyone ^__^


I promised the next chapter will be better didn't I?

-well I read it again and it was good... but I thought if I rewrite it it will be even better (yeah because i wanted to add a character in it... since it isn't for the competition anymore there is no 5000 words limit...)


and I wrote 2 stories for the darn competition, remember?

-anyway... I want to change both stories I want to make them that way that their plots tie in with each other... but they still will be independent stories @__@

I will first finnish this story before i upload the other one...

ah well I stop explaining you'll see when I post the next chapter... but I want to keep my promise so it may take a while because I realised that i messed the chapter up and that I have writers block xD

sry about that ^^;
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  #23  
Old 11-29-2009, 10:23 AM
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I didn't remember that you wrote two. Curiously however, I wrote two as well. Because I deemed the first to be irrelevant.

Sounds interesting. Just need to wait for that chapter to come along.
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Old 11-29-2009, 01:58 PM
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Ooh, it's getting ever more intense and is starting to make more sense now, I'm really liking this ^^
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Old 11-29-2009, 05:30 PM
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I shall look forward to it.
Also, I am dying to see that movie in (wait for it) your Avatar!
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Old 11-29-2009, 06:44 PM
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That is the oldest joke ever. I made a pic from Avatar my avatar on another forum months ago.


Still, haha Splatty, good 'un old chap!
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  #27  
Old 12-02-2009, 09:53 AM
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Yeah I also can't wait for that movie ^.^ and for it's soundtrack aswell ...

after i saw the trailer it was already one of my fav's 8D this movie is going to be special kyaaaaaaaa <3



anyways a few hours ago at school i wrote my english exam and for the first time there was a true creative writing part in it


yeah and so when I came home I thought I could reread what i have written so far...


and I think the new character I wanted to introduce in this chapter can wait a while longer which means that I can upload the next chapter without him ...right. now.

...but with a few serious changes that i shouldn't have made...



LoL and don't mind the 'swearwords' I should have used real ones i think xD



enjoy

...or probably not...? - cuz i didn't... ah well i write too much...









(.... 4 ....)



As I open my eyes again I see everything through red visors. But the red light comforts me somehow, it filters away the billions of colors I have seen before and I can concentrate now.

“Come on. Don’t stand there like an idiot! The Slig’s body you posses now has already learned to use metal legs so you should be able to walk around properly.” The Vykker exclaims and pushes me towards the door, shoving out the Intern who gave me my equipment as well.

The robotic legs are carrying me forward swaying and buzzing. “And take that ‘Mudokon’ with you. Bring him back to his cell.” The Vykker adds slightly irritated, glaring at 01. From the corner of my eye I see how 01 clenches his fists tightly.

“Oh yeah we implanted a chip in both of your brains, if you try to kill one of us, if you don’t obey the orders or if you leave the factory it might damage your neuronal system... in other words: it will cause you pain. This doesn’t apply for actions that only concern you two though.” –he pauses for the split of a second with an almost imperceptible smirk on his lips. “And now get out!”

The automatic doors close silently and I halt awkwardly turning around. But I find myself alone with the Slig who possesses my body.

It smells of mold. The corridor is dark and narrow with a high ceiling and dirty walls. Above us a malfunctioning light is flickering in its forlorn rhythm.

We stare at one another.

Despite of the hate and disgust, each of us feels the other ones horror and helplessness more than his own.

“If you harm my body in any way I’ll kill you.” 01 whispers.

”I just wanted to say the same.” I say through gritted teeth tightening my grip around the baton.

We stand there for a long time like frozen figures of a nightmare.



“Ey what are ya doin here?”

Startled we both spin around to where the voice came from.

A Slig is walking towards us, a fresh opened bottle of brew in one of his hands and a gun in the other.

“Mind your own fkrzzin business!” 01 swears back with irritation, throwing him a deadly glare.

“What?! What did the shkr Mud just say?” The Slig halts next to me.

“Oh uhm he’s a failed experiment don’t mind him sir …his brain is erhm…damaged. I better bring him back to his cell…” I reply nervously, glancing at 01, my eyes speaking a silent warning.

But I only cause him to get more irritated.

“I’m the fkrzzin Slig! Stop commanding me around as if I was one of your kind you ass-kissing mud!” He punches the wall behind him with his fist, shivering with rage. “Fkrzz stop being in my head!”

“I’m not in your head! I wasn’t saying a word!” I hiss under my breath trying to suppress his anger that flashes over.

“Look at him! Look at this shkr and tell me does he look like a Slig to you?!” 01 screams turning to the other Slig. “I mean yeah he looks like a fkrzzin Slig but at the same time he isn’t-he’s just ... I-”

“Why don’t you kill the Scrub then?” The Slig turns to me ignoring 01. “He seems to be one of the annoying dangerous types.” He empties his brew with four gulps and stares at me.

I don’t know what to reply to this but I’m glad that a mask hides my expression.

I turn to 01 knowing that there is no way I could ever stop him.

“Oh…. ya don’t have a gun. And ya don’t want to mess up the floor…”

I turn back to the other Slig as he aims at 01.

“I haven’t seen that ya don’t have a gun, my bad you must be new here …” He says impassively.

I hold my breath and tense up. One part of my mind is fighting the thought to do something and the other part is already going through the different options I would have, if I dared to snatch that gun from him.

“…”

“Yeah come on! Do it! I can’t wait f-”

A single shot is fired. It makes me wince in terror.

“See? That’s why ya should get one as soon as possible. It’s better for your own safety and the safety of all of us.” The Slig gives me a short nod and strolls down the corridor vanishing in the darkness.

It’s very silent and I hear myself breathing. I perceive the faint whirring of the flickering lamp, penetrating the darkness with its sick yellowish light.

It reminds me of the irregular heartbeat of an organism that is about to die.

While my own heart is throbbing loudly I slowly turn around to 01.

Please be alive. PLEASE BE ALIVE!


***




-to be continued- ? (I know that i broke my promise now because this chapter sucks entirely... sorry about that... but I think it was this chapter which causes me writers block every time i read it ...)



next update won't be so soon first of all there is some art i have to finnish and secondly I have like a billion exams till december 21. and WTF I should be learning chemistry right now!!! >:C duh

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  #28  
Old 12-02-2009, 10:15 AM
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i don't know why you give yourself so much grief over that chapter, because personally, i was impressed by it. i wasn't expecting the slig to shoot either. this is my favourite style of Oddworld fictional writing.
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Old 12-02-2009, 10:28 AM
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Interesting chapter - I like how you portray them suddenly trying to act like the other. It'll be interesting to see how they acclimatise (assuming 01 survived!)

Will they/he get used to their/his new body?
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Old 12-02-2009, 10:29 AM
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i don't know why you give yourself so much grief over that chapter, because personally, i was impressed by it. i wasn't expecting the slig to shoot either. this is my favourite style of Oddworld fictional writing.

it's just becasue I'm not a writer... I draw...

and whatever I write is in my head as a drawing or a movie or comic or something... and If i reread what I wrote and i can't see any of these scenes i described as a picture in my head it is as if the story is completely dead.

but that also happens when i reread it too much... so i don't really know how it is... and if I don't know that... you know i don't want to be annoying or something ...

but if you think it was good... thank you :3


Edit: yeah everyone!!!!! learning chemistry is extremely boooring -.-
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