Blogs FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read
 


Go Back   Oddworld Forums > Zulag Three > Fan Corner


Reply
 
Thread Tools
 
  #1  
Old 04-22-2012, 07:06 AM
scipionyx's Avatar
scipionyx scipionyx is offline
Riot Slug
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Location.
Posts: 585
Blog Entries: 2
Rep Power: 13
scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)
Dead The Capturers

do you remember the counter part? (the captured ones) I never finnished that one... this one is just as old and also never got finnished... let me know about mistakes. Don't be too disappointed xD
I'd like to finnish it and overwork the chapters i already wrote c:



~if i get 1 reply i shall post chapter 2 around next week~



The capturers
Chapter 1: dream
//listen to this while reading: http://www.yourepeat.com/watch/?v=bu...feature=relmfu





It was silent as Kiaw woke up.

Thrown back to reality from the glaring light of the new advertising, which the Sligs installed yesterday.

'Advertisings make the Scrubs buy more brew' they kept believing.

Its blue light rays ran across the room through the dust filled air causing the cage bars to cast long dark shadows over Kiaw.

On the outside he was calm. Like his surroundings were calm. Motionless. But on the inside his frantic heartbeat seemed to fill the whole cage with its rhythm.

He groaned and slowly sat up, feeling cold sweat on his neck.

“What a nightmare…” he mumbled to himself -the dream he just had was still fresh in his mind. He rubbed his eyes and struggled to his feet. -As if he wanted to rise above an imaginary water surface, before drowning.

Kiaw was awfully tired, yet he felt pure terror, as if his nightmare had been real. It clinged to his bones and made his blood freeze.
He looked up to the low ceiling of the cage which was only inches away from his face and sighed. “It was just a dream, Kiaw, do not worry, look around your friends are ok, they are alive and sleeping. Everything is fine.” He mumbled to himself.


But he knew his friends were gone because of the empty beds and that dried puddle of blood which covered the ground next to the door.

It hadn't been a dream.

Kiaw sat down again. Neither knowing what to do nor being able to do anything at all but to sit and wait in his cage till the morning.

He stared at the huge digital clock on the wall at the other end of the hall.

02:23am.

The other Scrubs in the cages to the left and to the right were all sleeping.

He had heard stories about workers that disappeared sometimes without reason, no one of them had ever been seen again.

…Why the cage 57? Why not a different cage in another hall? What had they done to his friends? Were they still alive? Why was he the only one left?

He couldn’t think and threw himself on his hard bed again.

This was not true. It couldn't be.
The nightmare just hadn’t ended yet. He would wake up and everything would be fine…

__________________



˙·٠ The Captured Ones curretnly on hold ٠·˙
˙·٠► .The Capturers. curretnly on hold ◄٠·˙
˙·٠ W3-7 ٠·˙
˙·٠ OW-Art Thread ٠·˙


Last edited by scipionyx; 04-22-2012 at 12:36 PM..
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 04-22-2012, 08:30 AM
Splat's Avatar
Splat Splat is offline
Chameleonic Lifeforms, No Thanks!
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Merrie olde Englande
Posts: 4,539
Blog Entries: 62
Rep Power: 22
Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)
Default

Yay! It's great to see you again, friend!
Nice opening chapter. It introduces the character and his immediate situation, giving an event that'll probably get the ball rolling for the rest of the story. But it leaves us a lot to be curious about, too.

Hmm, I was playing 'Limbo' only yesterday...
__________________
Oddworld novel: The Despicable. Original fiction: Small Worlds.

Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 04-22-2012, 09:39 AM
scipionyx's Avatar
scipionyx scipionyx is offline
Riot Slug
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Location.
Posts: 585
Blog Entries: 2
Rep Power: 13
scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)
Default

wow Splat nice to see you again too!! 8D
it's been so long since I posted anything here! gwah what am I doing anyways (i have to learn so craptastically much I'msoodeadshitstupidmewhatam-idon'teven )

8D and thank you so much I'm glad you think it's interresting enough!!
I can't promise that I'll upload this frequently but I hope at least regularly ...especially cuz it's so old... it was one of the last things i wrote before I stopped writing about a year ago ... ^^; I'm actually really in the mood to write but there is so little time atm :c

Quote:
Originally Posted by Splat View Post
Hmm, I was playing 'Limbo' only yesterday...
Limbo is one of my favorite 2D games ever... along with Rayman Origins and of course the old OW games
Limbo is just amazing I love that game have you already completed it?
__________________



˙·٠ The Captured Ones curretnly on hold ٠·˙
˙·٠► .The Capturers. curretnly on hold ◄٠·˙
˙·٠ W3-7 ٠·˙
˙·٠ OW-Art Thread ٠·˙

Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 04-22-2012, 11:55 AM
Splat's Avatar
Splat Splat is offline
Chameleonic Lifeforms, No Thanks!
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Merrie olde Englande
Posts: 4,539
Blog Entries: 62
Rep Power: 22
Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)
Default

Yeah, I just finished the bonus path. It's very beautiful and very sad (if rather morbid).
__________________
Oddworld novel: The Despicable. Original fiction: Small Worlds.

Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 04-30-2012, 11:16 AM
scipionyx's Avatar
scipionyx scipionyx is offline
Riot Slug
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Location.
Posts: 585
Blog Entries: 2
Rep Power: 13
scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)
Default

Chapter 2: Information

~

The next day Kiaw overslept. A Slig came in and beat him up and he missed breakfast.

“Clean that up!” The Slig ordered and pointed at a dried puddle of blood on the floor.
Kiaw stared wide eyed at it –wasn’t it the one from yesterday night’s dream? –Immediately he remembered it again.
”When I come back and it’s still dirty I will show you what real pain is!”The Slig hissed and went away.
Struggling to block out the pain from the beats he already had received, Kiaw knew he would be in even bigger trouble later on, for skipping work to find his friends.

He waited. The big clock on the wall made the minutes pass even slower than usual.

His dream – the memories he had… they were tangled and made less and less sense the more he tried to figure out their order.


A menacing calmness seemed to linger in the air around him. It was time to get going.


Ducking down hesitatingly he sneaked to the door and held his breath as he looked around the corner.

No Sligs where in sight.
Relieved he stood up and walked along the cages until he reached the huge metal door, where he spotted a mop and a bucket leaning against the wall next to it.
Feeling reassured he took them to prevent the Sligs from becoming suspicious and walked down to the corridor to the production hall. He needed to check whether someone of the others knew something.

The first Scrub he met was very old and Kiaw didn’t know him.

“H-Hey…” he waved to him with the mop, worried that the loud noises of the machines might drown out his words completely …and at the same time worried to be noticed by a Slig guard if he spoke up: “Are you from this Section?”
The old Mudokon glanced down to where Kiaw was standing and nodded slightly.
“Do you know Rycko and Unaî ?” Kiaw wanted to know.
The old one shook his head and shrugged. But then he pointed to a group of younger Mudokons who were standing between two giant pipes a bit farther away.
“Thank you!” Kiaw replied and hurried to them, careful not to touch the hot pipes that narrowed his path. But these Mudokons also weren’t of any help.
After a few hours he had asked nearly everyone in the section but not a single one seemed to even know his friends.
If nobody knew anything he had to leave the section. The sole thought of how much trouble he might get into made his guts turn. He turned around frustrated and desperate.
But suddenly someone called out his name, crystal clear and yet almost inaudible the voice reached his ears through the clattering and hissing sounds of the machines.

Kiaw froze and turned around nearly mechanically.

Someone was standing in the deep shadows of the corner. “Where are you?” Kiaw whispered.

“Hey you! What are you doing there?!” A Slig appeared around the corner behind him.


Kiaw winced slightly turning halfway around to the Slig, looking to the ground. “Uhm …I’m sorry.” he replied quickly, seesawing slightly, glancing at the shadows.

“Work!” the Slig exclaimed and swung his baton.
Kiaw immediately did as he was told and scrubbed the greasy floor, never leaving the shadows out of view.
After a while the Slig left for a smoke.
“Are you still there?” Kiaw whispered relieved that the Slig had lost interrest.

“I have seen them yesterday night. They have taken them before the others came back. I’m from 62…. Got beaten up and was sent back to the cage.” The Mudokon began with hesitation.

Kiaw looked around nervously but the Slig was still out of sight. “Where did they take them? … Where?”
“I don’t know”, The other one replied, ”… but you’re lucky, the bstrds were mean, especially the Mudokon with the scar over his chest.”
“What? -A Mudokon? A Mudokon with a scar over his chest? Are you sure?” this couldn’t be, Kiaw thought, there must’ve been a misunderstanding… -“Haven’t they said anything?” Kiaw added, trying to make out the silhouette of the Mudokon in the shadows.
“First I didn’t notice them because of my headache, but they shot and one of them fell down... I almost jumped out of my skin I tell you… there was nobody in the hall except them and me.”

The Mudokon slowly came out of the shadows. His skin was covered with wounds and bruises so badly that Kiaw slightly cringed at the horrible sight not able to say anything.

“I could get away somehow after they noticed me… better don’t ask how.”-
“Hey what’s so interesting there?!” -the Slig had returned. Kiaw quickly pushed the other Mudokon back into the shadows not having the time to ask any more questions.
His mind was racing as he mumbled out a stupid excuse for what he was doing. His knees felt weak.
-This couldn’t be! Sam surely was different than the other Mudokons, as a Mudokon supervisor he had to be. Mudokon supervisors were Mudokons with chips implanted in their heads that made them controllable at all times, they were used to balance out the situation among the Sligs and the Mudokons. The method had been turning popular about 2 years ago on the small continent, since Mudokons were less expensive than Sligs, even with the chip-implants, and still had a longer life span. They started to slowly replace even Sligs guards in some areas.
Sam was different from all the other Mudokons, but he wouldn’t… just betray them like that… maybe the others but not them... they were friends!

or would he?


“Ey Mud!”


Startled Kiaw snapped out of his thoughts expecting his punishment.
“Take those two with you and go to Zulag 4!” The Slig tapped impatiently with his food on the ground.
“Uh.. what?” Kiaw turned to the Slig with surprise.

~

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x



sorry about mistakes too tired to properly proof read please feel free to correct me ...i don't like this chapter at all... i mostly left it as i wrote it long ago... my writing doesn't match with my old writing anymore xD i thought it might've been a mistake to upload this story but then ...
__________________



˙·٠ The Captured Ones curretnly on hold ٠·˙
˙·٠► .The Capturers. curretnly on hold ◄٠·˙
˙·٠ W3-7 ٠·˙
˙·٠ OW-Art Thread ٠·˙

Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 05-01-2012, 04:26 AM
Splat's Avatar
Splat Splat is offline
Chameleonic Lifeforms, No Thanks!
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Merrie olde Englande
Posts: 4,539
Blog Entries: 62
Rep Power: 22
Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)
Default

Hmm, this one was a bit hard to follow. But it keeps the plot moving. More information required before speculation can occur...
__________________
Oddworld novel: The Despicable. Original fiction: Small Worlds.

Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 05-01-2012, 09:18 AM
LauricGK LauricGK is offline
Thudslug
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: France
Posts: 196
Rep Power: 9
LauricGK didn't even know they have a destiny (930)LauricGK didn't even know they have a destiny (930)LauricGK didn't even know they have a destiny (930)LauricGK didn't even know they have a destiny (930)LauricGK didn't even know they have a destiny (930)LauricGK didn't even know they have a destiny (930)LauricGK didn't even know they have a destiny (930)LauricGK didn't even know they have a destiny (930)
Default

Very nice
__________________
My Facebook Page ; or simply my website

Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 08-16-2012, 02:57 PM
scipionyx's Avatar
scipionyx scipionyx is offline
Riot Slug
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Location.
Posts: 585
Blog Entries: 2
Rep Power: 13
scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)
Default

thank you very much and sorry for the looooooong wait... I hope you enjoy the next one a bit more... again too late to proof read xD if you see mistakes feel free to tell me c:




Chapter 3: Friendship


“Why on Oddworld would a Slig send us to another Zulag without going with us? Since when are we allowed to wander around on our own? ” Kuna wondered, kicking an empty bucket aside with his foot. “This is all really strange… they are acting so…” “Reserved …and …cautious…” Perru finished the sentence. “You sure are an Idiot Kuna.
–Haven’t you heard of the incident?” He added cynically.
“What incident?” Kiaw asked still concerned with what had happened last night.
“You don’t know?” Perru looked around carefully and whispered: “Nobody talks about it… but someone has poisoned the Sligs meals,” he grinned at the thought and added: “they are all sick and can’t work, don’t tell me you guys haven’t noticed that there are almost no Sligs around?”
“Now that you mention it…”Kiaw looked around too. The place was deserted and there was only a single Slig guarding the area.

They eventually reached the other Zulag.
“Wow! I never knew that this Zulag looks almost exactly like ours!” Kuna said with a strange smile on his lips and an expression from which no one could tell if he had been truly amazed or just mocking.
After a while of walking Kiaw broke the silence again: “Hey… I have to ask you guys something… do you… have you ever heard of Sam?” He stared at his feet while he was walking.
“No I have never heard of mother… I think no one has… Why?” Perru answered looking up to the catwalks far above their heads.
“I’m not talking about Queen Sam, I uh… I mean Sam our supervisor.”
“What? One of the supervisors is named after Mother???” They all halted and looked at each other speechless just the distant noise of the machines could be heard.
“That’s not funny…” Kiaw tried to stop them from chuckling but his desperate expression just made it worse. They roared with laughter. Patting him on the back Kuna exclaimed that he hadn’t laughed like that since that accident when the Boss’s suit caught fire.
Kiaw frowned. He remembered quite well how he, Unaî and Rycko had reacted when they met Sam for the first time. They had reacted a lot meaner than just laughing at him.

Sligs usually used the word Sam as swearword among others and even some Mudokons used it, holding a grudge against their own Mother. Since Mudokon supervisors were “produced” and “upgraded” in Vykkers Labs, without origin, roots or backstory, nobody would ever regard them as children of Sam.
Some Mudokons might even find it worse to call a Mudokon supervisor after the name of the Queen than a Slig.
Mudokon Supervisors were “fake Mudokons” … emotionless traitors and liars without feelings.

“It’s not his fault!”

Kiaw defended him not really knowing why. “Everyone always called him like that. The Sligs laugh about it too. Actually he never had any friends except for us.”
Perru and Kuna looked at him becoming silent again. “You are friends with ‘that thing’?”
“Yeah, but he’s different… at least I thought so… I don’t know…”
The two Mudokons stared at Kiaw.
“We are still all Mudokons, no? It's not like a supervisor is that much different from a Mudokon... Just cause they build things into his body doesn't mean he's a robot like the Greeters” Kiaw mumbled and replied to himself: ”… Maybe he was just hanging out with us because there was nobody else he could hang out with.”
“There’s no such a thing as friendship between them and us.” Perru replied coldly.
“Yeah, they are even worse than the Sligs. One of them will never be one of us. But I already heard of some who act like that, if the ‘Mudokon friends’ try to escape they can sell them out. They don’t even get anything for it.”
Kiaw stared at him wide eyed.
“Yeah, you better be careful. Or you all could get killed soon.” Kuna nodded - more to himself than to Kiaw. ”Where are your friends anyway? You mentioned them before…”
Kiaw didn’t even look at him anymore.
They walked on - an awkward bitterness between them attended by a monotone buzzing sound and metal feet clonking rhythmically on the steel floor above them.
He couldn’t stand it…pretending friendship… killing his best friends. No he just couldn’t imagine that they were dead! …pretending friendship… killing his best friends! … the image of the beaten up Mudokon from cage 62 haunted his mind.
He would’t see his friends again… never… his eyes slowly filled with tears but he blinked them away and looked up to where the irritating mechanical sounds came from.

His breath caught as he saw that it was Sam who patrolled on the catwalk above them.
He clenched his fists tightly. Unable to move any further he glared at him.
“Hey Kiaw… is something wrong?” Perru and Kuna eyed him confused by his sudden change of mood.
“You two better walk on. I’ll catch up with you soon…” Kiaw replied under his breath grinding his teeth.
“Hey what are you up to now?” Perru followed his glare with concern. “Don’t tell me this s-supervisor is…”

But Kiaw had already started to climb up the ladder. He was boiling with rage. It felt as if an uncontrollable fire had inflamed inside his body. His hate had formed a lump in his throat.


Sam turned around and looked at him.

“Hey Kiaw! What’s up? Haven’t seen you for months … Is something wrong you look quite-”
“You bstrd!!!” Kiaw lunged at Sam the same moment.
They both fell on the hard metal floor of the narrow catwalk and Sam lost his gun. It slipped out of his hand and fell on the ground below – raising a cloud of dust in front of Kunas and Perrus feet.
“Where are they!” Kiaw screamed tightening his grip around the surprised Mudokons throat. He trembled with anger. “What have you done to them!!!”
Sam gasped for air and tore himself away from him. He returned Kiaw a hard punch in the guts with his metal leg throwing him backwards.
“What on Oddworld is wrong with you?!!” He yelled standing up again. “You know I have no choice but to report you now!”
“You know what’s wrong quite well don’t you?” Kiaw hissed convulsed with pain. “You damn Traitor. Where are they?!Spit it out!” He coughed and stood up as well. “I thought we were friends… But I thought wrong.”
“Look I’m just working …I don’t know what crap you’re talking about…”
“Are they dead already?! Did it make fun to shoot them or didn’t you have the guts to look into their faces while doing it!” Kiaw screamed so loudly that it resounded through the whole Zulag causing some Scrubs nearby to stop their work.
“What are you talking about… Kiaw what the heck has happened to you? I haven’t done anything! I wasn’t even around the whole last week!” Sam shouted.
”Scrabshit! You were there! You have been seen! There is no other Mudokon supervisor with a scar like yours!!! Maybe you didn’t even feel anything at all while betraying us you grrzt Machine!!!” Kiaws expression twisted to a painful grimace.” I swear I’ll kill you!”
“Wha-”Sam saw Kiaw striking out to hit him in the face but Sam dodged it and grabbed Kiaws leg sending him to the hard ground again.
“Take those words back…” Sam almost whispered.
“Damn you! Damn you, you! Liar!!” Kiaw clutched the guardrail and pulled himself up to his feet again, panting. “I can’t stand your grzztzz lies!” He glared at Sam with teary eyes. “We all mean shit to you. I really thought you were different… all the time you spent with us…”
He flushed with anger again.
But suddenly the barking of a Slog interrupted him. Sam turned around and saw the Slog running towards them. It ran past Sam and lunged at Kiaw.


x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
__________________



˙·٠ The Captured Ones curretnly on hold ٠·˙
˙·٠► .The Capturers. curretnly on hold ◄٠·˙
˙·٠ W3-7 ٠·˙
˙·٠ OW-Art Thread ٠·˙

Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 08-16-2012, 03:12 PM
Asmoden's Avatar
Asmoden Asmoden is offline
Thudslug
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Italy
Posts: 162
Rep Power: 10
Asmoden does more than run, jump, roll, and flip around like a fish (73)
Default

You are reeeeally good, keep it going and thank you
__________________

Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 08-20-2012, 02:25 PM
scipionyx's Avatar
scipionyx scipionyx is offline
Riot Slug
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Location.
Posts: 585
Blog Entries: 2
Rep Power: 13
scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)
Happy

why are you thanking me? I should thank you!!!! Thank you so much for reading I'm glad you like it!!!



Chapter 4: an unspoken warning



“Shit! ” Sam panted heavily, gritting his teeth in agony.
“What have you done…” Kiaw mumbled and stumbled backwards.
Sam didn’t answer. The Slog still sank it’s teeth mercilessly into his side and he squirmed with pain. Blood started dripping to the ground quickly.
But suddenly a sharp whistle interrupted them. The Slog let go of his shoulder and ran back to the end of the catwalk.
Sam let out a groan and sank to the floor.
There, in the distant penumbra of the steel beams, Kiaw could see huge silhouettes observing them.

He rubbed his eyes and glimpsed.
They were five massive Big Bro’s in armor. They glared at him standing completely still.
One of them bend down and patted the Slog on its head while another one of them implied Kiaw and Sam to come over.
Fear suddenly had replaced everything else.
Kiaw’s heart hammered against his chest while he helped Sam up, glancing down to where he had left Perru and Kuna - but they where long gone.
He also couldn’t see any other workers.
Nervously he looked back to the Big Bro Sligs. They all had Blitz packers.
As Kiaw and Sam walked towards them, Sam suddenly dropped to his knees almost fainting. One of the Big Bro’s twitched nervously with his hand towards his gun. Kiaw saw it and hurried up. He dragged Sam towards the Big Bros and halted a few steps in front of them.
They were a lot bigger than they had seemed to be from the distance.
“Hand over that.” One of them said in a deep but calm voice pointing at Sam. He also had a scar on his chest like Sam, but the Slig’s scar was much bigger and not thin like Sam’s, it was ugly and distorted and ran horizontally over the Sligs whole ribcage.

As Kiaw saw his scar sickness overcame him.
“Hand over that Mudokon Supervisor.”
Kiaw still hesitated.
“We need to talk to 00.73….202” The Big Bro said very slowly and impassively. Something cold and menacing lingered in the air around them. After a pause he added: “…about his promotion.” The light from his night vision goggles seemed to bore a whole in Kiaws eyes as he stared at him.

Kiaw looked down to the blood overflown 00.73202 which he was holding by his arm. He felt empty inside. Empty and scared.
The Big Bro grabbed 00.73202 by his other arm and pulled him violently up to his feet. 00.73202 flinched in pain and swayed sidewards. He bumped against the guard rail struggling not to sink to his knees again.
One of the Big Bro Slig’s grunted at Kiaw to make him go away.
Kiaw stumbled backwards turned around and hurried away. But in a distance he slowed down and looked back.
He really wanted to run away, he didn’t want to stay but yet he couldn’t.
He didn’t know why, but something prevented him from turning his back to what was happening there.
00.73202 looked so small in comparison to them.
They asked a lot of questions to which 00.73202 barely answered and after a while it seemed that the interrogation had grown more and more intense.
In the end they all fell menacingly silent. They seemed to be frozen for a moment like sinister statues.

Then 00.73202 hastily left, tripping and falling against the wall a few times, leaving stains of crimson behind, before he reached the elevator.
He glanced at Kiaw for a last time still clutching his wounded side. It seemed to Kiaw that he wanted to tell him something important, an unspoken warning.



***

to be... continued? ... if i get.. a reply...? ^^;



i reread The captured ones and man i can't believe I have been so good at writing back then!, back then i thought that it really sucked but now after rereading it I'm actually REALLY ANGRY AT MYSELF... but i never said I would stop it check it out if you want, it ties into the plot of "the capturers" and therefore you might find it really interresting when it comes to more info about the 'supervisor mudokons' <- yeah i know that name is totally lame the chapters are much shorter and easier to read but it's still... "ongoing" like this one.. i need to get back to that style though i hope I can manage, maybe i have to reread "kafka - der prozess"
__________________



˙·٠ The Captured Ones curretnly on hold ٠·˙
˙·٠► .The Capturers. curretnly on hold ◄٠·˙
˙·٠ W3-7 ٠·˙
˙·٠ OW-Art Thread ٠·˙

Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 08-20-2012, 10:39 PM
NyOe!s's Avatar
NyOe!s NyOe!s is offline
Stunk
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Gympie
Posts: 47
Rep Power: 0
NyOe!s managed to get out of the cave… Wow, so impressive (13)
Default

keep going with this, It is great I would like to see what happens in chapter 6!
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 08-21-2012, 10:52 AM
Asmoden's Avatar
Asmoden Asmoden is offline
Thudslug
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Italy
Posts: 162
Rep Power: 10
Asmoden does more than run, jump, roll, and flip around like a fish (73)
Default

Great job!
Maybe i'm wrong but i foresee the shrink(guardian angel) coming in next chapters.
__________________

Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 08-25-2012, 07:55 AM
Splat's Avatar
Splat Splat is offline
Chameleonic Lifeforms, No Thanks!
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Merrie olde Englande
Posts: 4,539
Blog Entries: 62
Rep Power: 22
Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)
Default

Hey Sci, great to see you here again! Your writing is improving, becoming clearer. I can't quite remember all of what's happened in the past (need to make time to re-read) but these new chapters are good, intense. Hope to learn more of what's going on soon.
__________________
Oddworld novel: The Despicable. Original fiction: Small Worlds.

Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 08-30-2012, 05:58 PM
Hulaabeo's Avatar
Hulaabeo Hulaabeo is offline
Grubb Fisherman
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada.
Posts: 997
Blog Entries: 1
Rep Power: 14
Hulaabeo is on a roll now (225)Hulaabeo is on a roll now (225)Hulaabeo is on a roll now (225)
Default

It's a neat storyline. I like the fact that hacked Mudokons are used as security. MUDS FTW.
__________________
Munch's Oddysee wasn't a bad game.

Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 12-01-2012, 07:42 AM
scipionyx's Avatar
scipionyx scipionyx is offline
Riot Slug
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Location.
Posts: 585
Blog Entries: 2
Rep Power: 13
scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)
Happy

wow thank you so very much everyone for the nice comments
I’ll try to improve to make this more enjoyable to read!!
by the way sorry I didn’t have much time the past weeks ...not even now in fact but I still had to take the time. This chapter has been rewritten a lot, A LOT, but it's better than I thought it'd turn out ... I hope xD
ah yes in the "industrial chapters" Sam becomes S4M or 00.73202

-enjoy!







….Then 00.73202 hastily left, tripping and falling against the wall a few times, leaving stains of crimson behind, before he reached the elevator.
He glanced at Kiaw for a last time still clutching his wounded side. It seemed to Kiaw that he wanted to tell him something important, an unspoken warning.



***
Chapter 5: Change of Perspective




As soon as the doors of the elevator closed S4M collapsed to the ground in agony.
“You…dumb…Idiot.” He gasped. “If it weren’t….” His vision got blurry. “…for that damn chip….”


The elevator halted and the doors slid open and revealed the corridor to the supervisor bunks.

“-If it weren’t for that damn chip you’d probably… …get rid of us all…, …eh S4M?”-A Slig stepped inside and crouched down, glaring S4M into the eyes intensely.
S4M tensed up,


“No… Sir,…”


A new wave of terror crept over him, stronger than the first one, when he had been still with Kiaw.
The Sligs eyes narrowed but then suddenly he grinned: “I would. Hehehehe!” He snickered and stood up again. “If I wouldn’t get paid so much ~ ” He then added joyfully.

S4M relaxed a bit. “As if anyone here’d get paid that much…” S4M whispered sarcastically and frowned. “I was worried there for a moment, …‘thought you’d be ‘the other one’… But the other one doesn’t make such crappy jokes.” S4M clutched his bleeding shoulder.
The Slig’s grin slowly faded into a serious face. “One never knows….” Then he pulled S4M up and helped him to his cell.

“Hrnn… but what happened anyway, S4M?”

“Nothing.” S4M glowered and slumped down on his bunk, but forced himself to sit up again immediately.

“Well it’s not my problem if you let yourself getting killed.” The Slig answered with glee in his eyes. He leaned against the opposite wall, folding his arms. He waited.

“…What…?” S4M stared back at him. He felt like all energy had left his body. He felt like lying down and dying. Instead he tried his best to remain sitting in a straight position, even if it hurt like hell. Even if gravity seemed hundreds of times stronger.

“There was this attack on the Sligs a while earlier…. Food poisoning they say….”

“Yeah heard of it.” S4M answered with a bitter undertone. He sensed his whole arm slowly going numb.

“The Boss is in hospital, my bro said he has no more than a day.”

S4M’s eyes widened in shock as the Slig continued: “The workers here are split in two parties. One side believes it has been those escapees that apparently went missing the other day. The other side thinks it’s you.”

S4M gulped. “How… You know I…”

“As for me, I don’t give a shit.” The Slig chuckled silently. “But my twin brother actually does.”

After a short break he added: “The way things look like …I guess it was you, …but you didn’t really plan for things to turn out this way, did you? I mean it’s unlike you to act so foolishly. Would’ve surprised me…”

S4M literally felt how all colour left his face. His vision blurred again, but stronger than before and dizziness caused the world to spin. If his shoulder wouldn’t have hurt so badly he wouldn’t have had a problem with keeping composure. But like this it was impossible. He wiped cold sweat from his forehead not able to answer anything.

“Look at you, you look funny. All pale. By the way if you stay here much longer you’ll bleed to death. Look at that puddle of blood.”

“NO! …., ….I mean… I’m fine. Don’t. Don’t call anyone. I can.. take care of myself.”

“Really?... But you don’t look well at all S4M. Too scared of brother eh?”
“Just say… what you want already.”
The Slig slowly took out a cigarette and lit it, while speaking, “How did you manage to do something as this, despite of the chip inside of your brain?”

“Why are …why are you interested in that?” S4M’s eye twitched as he barely looked up to the Slig.



….





__________________



˙·٠ The Captured Ones curretnly on hold ٠·˙
˙·٠► .The Capturers. curretnly on hold ◄٠·˙
˙·٠ W3-7 ٠·˙
˙·٠ OW-Art Thread ٠·˙

Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 12-02-2012, 02:02 PM
Splat's Avatar
Splat Splat is offline
Chameleonic Lifeforms, No Thanks!
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Merrie olde Englande
Posts: 4,539
Blog Entries: 62
Rep Power: 22
Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)
Default

Another good chapter; good dialogue. I really need to find time to re-read this from the top...
__________________
Oddworld novel: The Despicable. Original fiction: Small Worlds.

Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 12-02-2012, 02:15 PM
Vyrien's Avatar
Vyrien Vyrien is offline
Clakker Store Clerk
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Japan
Posts: 754
Blog Entries: 7
Rep Power: 9
Vyrien is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2165)Vyrien is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2165)Vyrien is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2165)Vyrien is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2165)Vyrien is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2165)Vyrien is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2165)Vyrien is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2165)Vyrien is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2165)Vyrien is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2165)Vyrien is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2165)Vyrien is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2165)
Default

You have a great knack for this, looking forwards to more.
__________________

Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 12-16-2012, 09:32 AM
scipionyx's Avatar
scipionyx scipionyx is offline
Riot Slug
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Location.
Posts: 585
Blog Entries: 2
Rep Power: 13
scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)scipionyx is an amazingly versatile little blue guy (399)
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Splat View Post
Another good chapter; good dialogue. I really need to find time to re-read this from the top...
nah, better keep the false impression of it being good hehe ^^
the chapters aren't completely coherent.. they don't fit together that well cause I let too much time pass between writing them ...
But I'm glad if you enjoyed reading it! thank you very much!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Vyrien View Post
You have a great knack for this, looking forwards to more.
thanks! I'm glad you like it so far





this one is a bit... error-perforated (sorry not much time) and misplaced but it would be missplaced wherever I'd put it so nvm ^^

but the slightly bizarre turn of events in this chapter are the first scenes i had in mind for this whole story... they are old but rewritten not sure if that was a good idea though... if you don't mind give me a bit of constructive criticism for this one :3


~enjoy!


Chapter 6: promotion



-A while earlier-


Kiaw watched Sam vanishing behind the closing elevator doors in shock.
His eyes hesitantly followed the blood on the walls, back to where the Big Bros where still waiting. Then he looked around in the hall. He couldn’t see any other workers anymore. It was just him on the catwalk and the Big Bros a few meters in front of him.
They stared at him, or maybe their masks made them look as if they were staring at him. Kiaw wasn’t sure, but it made his guts turn.

A deadly silence filled the hall as if they all waited for something terrible.

Suddenly the smallest of the Big Bro Sligs started to move. It was no abrupt motion but it was so sudden that it made Kiaw slightly flinch away.

Slowly the Big Bro made his way to Kiaw.
He caused the catwalk to sway badly and the steel to jar and crack loudly under his weight.
Then he halted very close to him, casting a dark shadow.
“You’ll be punished for your behavior.” He said calmly, tightening his grip around the Blitzpacker which he carried, his voice almost sounded polite.
Kiaw swallowed.
“But later. First we promote you, aswell…. You are no longer working here as a Scrub. You will help us- For a short while…”
The Big Bro suddenly paused and didn’t breathe, as if being interrupted by something. He looked around alerted.
But there was nobody.
“You will come with us now… for your …promotion.”
What? What kind of promotion? -Kiaw thought.
They couldn’t mean… they wanted to implant a chip into his brain?! -Or did they talk about execution?! –Did they want to sell him to Vykkers Labs?!
Kiaws heart almost stopped at the thoughts that had jumped into his mind.


He had never considered how the supervisors for the Mudokons had become the way they were.
Have they been normal before? Or have they been ‘modified’ right after hatching?

“Ah…uhm wh-what kind of promotion do you mean?” Kiaw felt cold sweat on his neck.

“You’ll help us to free the Boss.” The Big Bro said in a very low, almost whispering tone pointing with his gun at Kiaws forehead calmly. Kiaw didn’t understand.
He saw how the Big Bro talked but the words made no sense to him.
“You and your friends wanted to escape in two days, didn’t you?”
Kiaw looked at him not knowing what to say.
“We arrested your friends, so don’t try anything funny… if you want them to survive.” He pressed the gun against Kiaws head a bit stronger and then put it back into the holster, ”Follow our orders… And don’t even think of doing anything funny.” His eyes narrowed.
“00.73202 will inform you about the details. You better follow our orders or else...” he finished his sentence with an unmistakable gesture. Kiaw saw him grin so widely that a few of his razor sharp teeth shortly appeared from behind his mask.

But suddenly the ground rocked and slumped down a bit.
Surprised by the abrupt movement they both lost their balance and Kiaw fell on his knees.

Then things came to a halt again and everything was as before.

Dust rose up and formed a cloud around them. “What??” -The Big Bro swung around hastily peering to the upper levels.

Did he search for someone?

Kiaw looked around too. Till his eyes met a broken joist.

And another one….and another one…and- Kiaw’s eyes widened.

CRACK! –The catwalk swayed to its side and the part where Kiaw and the BigBro were standing swung down with breakneck speed. A shrieking sound of bursting metal filled the air. Kiaw felt weightless for an eye watering moment, before he was able to grab the guard rail at the last second. -
Then they all smashed against the wall.
The impact resounded like thunder and echoed through the Zulag.
Only a single remaining joist prevented the catwalk, which dangled vertically in midair, to fall into the darkness below.


The Big Bro, being too heavy to hold onto anything for too long, slipped off with a short gasp and fell into the darkness.
Kiaw clang to the guard rail with all his remaining strength.
After a moment of decaying echoes he could hear a much quieter dull sound of an impact.
Kiaw closed his eyes at the sound.

The echo slowly died as it circled towards the ceiling high above.

Someone snickered in the distance, but Kiaw couldn’t make out where it was coming from. Or maybe he just imagined it?
As he turned to where the other Big Bro’s had stood, he only saw the deserted opposite end of the catwalk. He was the only one around.

A sudden cold breeze stroke over his skin.



...to be continued?

.


---:-:-:---


----:--:}|{:--:----

I had a bit of trouble describing how the catwalk gets damaged... I'm not sure if it's completely understandable? ... I lacked a few words... ^^;
__________________



˙·٠ The Captured Ones curretnly on hold ٠·˙
˙·٠► .The Capturers. curretnly on hold ◄٠·˙
˙·٠ W3-7 ٠·˙
˙·٠ OW-Art Thread ٠·˙


Last edited by scipionyx; 12-16-2012 at 09:35 AM..
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 12-18-2012, 01:19 PM
Splat's Avatar
Splat Splat is offline
Chameleonic Lifeforms, No Thanks!
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Merrie olde Englande
Posts: 4,539
Blog Entries: 62
Rep Power: 22
Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)Splat is a sacred manifestation of the hippy-dippy spirit of Great Mother OWF (2194)
Default

The cables by which the catwalk hung started breaking - all but one of them?

I liked the chapter, though I'm still struggling with the plot a little as I've not yet made time to reread this all (sorry). This seemed quite dream-like, which is ok as it's a flashback. The dialogue was good, and the action was cool, too. I'm not certain as to why the catwalk broke but perhaps that's meant to be a mystery.

Or perhaps I need to reread the story.
__________________
Oddworld novel: The Despicable. Original fiction: Small Worlds.

Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules

Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 08:04 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

Please note that the Oddworld Forums are not affiliated with Oddworld Inhabitants.